Wednesday, February 13, 2008 @7:27 AM
posting here because I cried and laughed because of it... today."yes bear... gift ko un before u leave... hahaha" [on meteor showers, Dec. 14, 2007]"Sabi ng nanay ko hug at kiss daw. at mamimiss ka daw nya at ingat ka daw lagi at enjoy ka dun." [Dec. 14, 2007]"You won't be there sa xmas party.. para magsuka. Hahaha" [Dec. 14, 2007] --natawa talaga ko dito, at naging nostalgic."Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments - but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken. " - Paulo Coelho
"pag masaya bitin, pagbd3p ang bagal!"
"Boy: Gawa mo?
Girl: Wala. Ikaw?
Boy: Wala rin. Gusto mo gawa tayo?"
"So call me captain backfire." -My Stupid Mouth [kasi yung prank na ginawa ko nag back fire nakalock yung ref buong araw at nadala ng tatay ko yung susi!]
"The best date is with someone who can take you anywhere without touching anything but your heart."
"How do you expect them to know you if you put like a wall over yourself?"
"asshole is another word for? hahaha" --sobrang benta 'to kasi alam ng lahat ng tao ang sagot dahil sa nagsabi neto!
"Inday: Everyone is beautiful, except in the eyes of insecure bitches."
"Words don't have power over you... unless, the person who said them means a lot to you." [Oct. 3, 2007]
"Then this is what I think you should do.. Stop selling yourself short.. Stop being a bitch and/or a slut.. It's really not hat appealing anymore. Start respecting yourself and your body.. you won't attract a decent guy with the image you are putting out. If you really want a guy that will respect you... start respecting yourself. And start paying attention to the things I say."
"Wala lang.. Maybe it's fine being the voice at the back of your head. And with the flirting thing.. Even though you haven't fuck yet.. The image that you have is there.. Kissing and making out means that kissing doesn't mean that much to you.. What would be the difference in kissing a nobody and a somebody? Isn't it more romantic if every kiss means something? Coz not all kisses mean love.. You know that.. I know that."
--sobrang bigat ng mga yan. as in woah!
"'No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.' kaya okay lang maging krungers. Get it get it? Haha. Miss u b."
"You probably won't remember the exam you failed, but you will never forget the person you were with the night before you decided not to study." --I say, I wouldn't forget the people I cheated with.
"Never make the same mistake twice... there are so many new ones to make. Try a different one each day!"
Labels: friends, life, messages
Monday, March 12, 2007 @10:00 PM
march 12, 2007
10 pm
i don't know where to start this.
i'll just type what is on my mind.
"everything is gonna be alright. be strong, believe."
that's what's playing wight now.
and it reminds me of zab.
zab is the reason of all this. i am not blaming him. it's my fault. but he is the reason of all these realizations.
because of him i am finally trying or decided to pick up the pieces that i let pile up in a mess. i have to start fixing my life. i have to know my priorities. sobrang nalalaman ko uli kung ano ang gusto ko, and i know from there... i'll be able to start picking up the pieces.
sobrang hindi ko alam kung bakit hinayaan kong gumulo ng ganito ang buhay ko. alam ko na pala. kasi i didn't care. i didn't want to care. i have stopped caring. and now, i realized that i can't stop caring. i have to break away from apathy. apathy is going to ruin me.
ngayon ko narerealize na sobrang i didn't want to care. i really stopped caring. kasi nagsawa ako magcare. at narealize ko na you can't stop caring. i realized that i am wrong. na no matter how much it pained you and how much caring hurt you, you can't decide to stop believing, you can't decide to stop loving life, you can't stop feeling, you can't stop having to care for someone and actually consider their feeling. you can't decide and pretend that everything is about you. cause it's not. and that revenge is not at all sweet. i got mine, but it didn't feel good. sobrang panget ng feeling.
siguro kasi ngayon, narealize ko na mahal talaga ko ng nanay ko. maybe i am that kind of person. i push them to their limits until i know that i matter to them. i push everything that matter to me away and see what will happen. to see if they will still stick with me or go away. and my mom, i know she doesn't deserve this. siguro kasi nafifeel ko na mahal niya talaga ko, and i try to make her unlove me and see what will happen. ganun ako palagi. puta. tangina. i know i have to change this attitude. hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan hanapan ko ng rason ang lahat ng bagay. hindi ko alam kung bakit lahat hinahanapan ko ng limit.
i have to accept that there are just things that are limitless. that no matter what i do to push them away they will still be there. kung sa math nga may limit does not exist. and i have been wrong to test the people that i know who will always be there. i have been wrong to push God, my mom and probably myself to the limit of not loving me. and i failed. i failed.
sana makita ng nanay ko kung paano ko nakikita ang araw na to.
today is God's wake up call. that no matter what i do. no matter how hard i try for Him to unlove me, it just won't happen. it's a wake up call that i cannot do things on my own. and that i am not that independent. hindi ko masabi kung paano pero narerealize mo lang yun eh.
and today would suck because i am actually admitting and accepting that i am wrong. and maybe, this is how i will be different from my dad. na hindi niya ako katulad. na kahit nasa akin ang lahat ng genes ng kagaguhan niya, ang pagiging matalino niya, ang pagiging independent at palaban niya, hindi pa rin ako katulad niya. i think it's time for me to fight for what's different with us. because unlike him, i can be faithful. unlike him i can admit and accept that i am wrong. unlike him i have compassion. unlike him i love my mom. unlike him i can control. unlike him i know how to stand up again. and i am not ashamed of falling so many times and feeling like shit.
i have to stop blaming other people. because i don't want to be like him. siguro nga hindi ko mababago ang genes niya na nasa akin. but i have always said that i am my own person. i have the choice to change my life and choose to not be like him.
this fight inside me is my struggle for my individuality. my struggle between me and my father in me.
i wish i am as strong as my mom. i wish i have her forgiving ability. her selflessness. her humility, and her faith. i also wish i have her courage.
courage is different with what i have. i am a coward because i am scared of big changes. i am scared of the unknown. i am scared to trust people.
"tapusin mo na yan. tapusin mo na yan"
-mom, i know. kailangan kong tapusin lahat ng kagaguhang iniisip ko. i have to put an end to my revenge. i have to put an end to my silliness. i have to put an end to my apathy.
i have to start trusting people. pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawin yun. kasi natatakot ako. ewan ko. hindi ko na alam. and it sucks for me to be in this state that i know nothing, and there are things that i can't explain.
sobrang pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko magopen up sa mga tao. at somehow kay zab, nagawa ko. ewan. at hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling yung sinabi ko sa kanya na "you have to have faith. it's the only thing that will save you."
i hate people when i know they're right. and somehow nagagalit ako sa mga taong tama ang sinasabi at pilit na pinapakita na mahal nila ko. nagagalit ako sa nanay ko na minamahal niya ko. nagagalit ako kay God kasi pilit niyang pinapakita na mahal niya ko. hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw ko na mahalin ako ng tao.
alam ko pala kung bakit. kasi i stopped believing in love. i had been cynical about it, and i pushed away everything that is attached to it.
i have to stop hating people. i have to really love. love the people that matters. love the people who loves me.
kasi naman ewan ko ba kung bakit ang hilig ko sa mga taong ayaw sa akin.
simula ngayon, mamahalin ko na lang ang mga taong nagmamahal sakin. ay hindi. mas mamahalin ko ang mga taong nagmamahal sakin.
i have to talk to my mom. i have to tell her i am sorry.
sobrang gulo ng utak ko. sobrang gulo ng buhay ko. at hindi ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahang ayusin. well, naumpisahan ko siya by trying to pull up my grades, and i was able to prove to myself na kaya ko. pero as usual dinagdagan ko nanaman.
kaya ngayon, uumpisahan kong linisin ang kuwarto ko. tapos pag nagawa ko na yon, tatapusin ko na yung problema ko sa lit at english. kung alin mauna doon or magaaral ako for botany lab. tapos aayusin ko na yung kay cathy. tapos kay zab. tapos pagkatapos nun sa nanay ko na yung aayusin ko. kasi sa tingin ko pag nagawa ko na yun, medyo okay na yung buhay ko, puwede ko ng isa-isahin plantsahin ang mga gusot sa buhay ko. siguro dapat kong umpisahan sa pinakabagong problema? kasi, mas fresh at iyon yung nasa ibabaw eh.
hmmmm... hindi ko alam kung anong meron ako para kay zab. kasi na o-overwhelm ako. pero mas okay na friends lang kami. tama. yun lang.
Labels: fix, life, me