Monday, March 12, 2007 @10:00 PM
march 12, 2007
10 pm
i don't know where to start this.
i'll just type what is on my mind.
"everything is gonna be alright. be strong, believe."
that's what's playing wight now.
and it reminds me of zab.
zab is the reason of all this. i am not blaming him. it's my fault. but he is the reason of all these realizations.
because of him i am finally trying or decided to pick up the pieces that i let pile up in a mess. i have to start fixing my life. i have to know my priorities. sobrang nalalaman ko uli kung ano ang gusto ko, and i know from there... i'll be able to start picking up the pieces.
sobrang hindi ko alam kung bakit hinayaan kong gumulo ng ganito ang buhay ko. alam ko na pala. kasi i didn't care. i didn't want to care. i have stopped caring. and now, i realized that i can't stop caring. i have to break away from apathy. apathy is going to ruin me.
ngayon ko narerealize na sobrang i didn't want to care. i really stopped caring. kasi nagsawa ako magcare. at narealize ko na you can't stop caring. i realized that i am wrong. na no matter how much it pained you and how much caring hurt you, you can't decide to stop believing, you can't decide to stop loving life, you can't stop feeling, you can't stop having to care for someone and actually consider their feeling. you can't decide and pretend that everything is about you. cause it's not. and that revenge is not at all sweet. i got mine, but it didn't feel good. sobrang panget ng feeling.
siguro kasi ngayon, narealize ko na mahal talaga ko ng nanay ko. maybe i am that kind of person. i push them to their limits until i know that i matter to them. i push everything that matter to me away and see what will happen. to see if they will still stick with me or go away. and my mom, i know she doesn't deserve this. siguro kasi nafifeel ko na mahal niya talaga ko, and i try to make her unlove me and see what will happen. ganun ako palagi. puta. tangina. i know i have to change this attitude. hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan hanapan ko ng rason ang lahat ng bagay. hindi ko alam kung bakit lahat hinahanapan ko ng limit.
i have to accept that there are just things that are limitless. that no matter what i do to push them away they will still be there. kung sa math nga may limit does not exist. and i have been wrong to test the people that i know who will always be there. i have been wrong to push God, my mom and probably myself to the limit of not loving me. and i failed. i failed.
sana makita ng nanay ko kung paano ko nakikita ang araw na to.
today is God's wake up call. that no matter what i do. no matter how hard i try for Him to unlove me, it just won't happen. it's a wake up call that i cannot do things on my own. and that i am not that independent. hindi ko masabi kung paano pero narerealize mo lang yun eh.
and today would suck because i am actually admitting and accepting that i am wrong. and maybe, this is how i will be different from my dad. na hindi niya ako katulad. na kahit nasa akin ang lahat ng genes ng kagaguhan niya, ang pagiging matalino niya, ang pagiging independent at palaban niya, hindi pa rin ako katulad niya. i think it's time for me to fight for what's different with us. because unlike him, i can be faithful. unlike him i can admit and accept that i am wrong. unlike him i have compassion. unlike him i love my mom. unlike him i can control. unlike him i know how to stand up again. and i am not ashamed of falling so many times and feeling like shit.
i have to stop blaming other people. because i don't want to be like him. siguro nga hindi ko mababago ang genes niya na nasa akin. but i have always said that i am my own person. i have the choice to change my life and choose to not be like him.
this fight inside me is my struggle for my individuality. my struggle between me and my father in me.
i wish i am as strong as my mom. i wish i have her forgiving ability. her selflessness. her humility, and her faith. i also wish i have her courage.
courage is different with what i have. i am a coward because i am scared of big changes. i am scared of the unknown. i am scared to trust people.
"tapusin mo na yan. tapusin mo na yan"
-mom, i know. kailangan kong tapusin lahat ng kagaguhang iniisip ko. i have to put an end to my revenge. i have to put an end to my silliness. i have to put an end to my apathy.
i have to start trusting people. pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawin yun. kasi natatakot ako. ewan ko. hindi ko na alam. and it sucks for me to be in this state that i know nothing, and there are things that i can't explain.
sobrang pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko magopen up sa mga tao. at somehow kay zab, nagawa ko. ewan. at hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling yung sinabi ko sa kanya na "you have to have faith. it's the only thing that will save you."
i hate people when i know they're right. and somehow nagagalit ako sa mga taong tama ang sinasabi at pilit na pinapakita na mahal nila ko. nagagalit ako sa nanay ko na minamahal niya ko. nagagalit ako kay God kasi pilit niyang pinapakita na mahal niya ko. hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw ko na mahalin ako ng tao.
alam ko pala kung bakit. kasi i stopped believing in love. i had been cynical about it, and i pushed away everything that is attached to it.
i have to stop hating people. i have to really love. love the people that matters. love the people who loves me.
kasi naman ewan ko ba kung bakit ang hilig ko sa mga taong ayaw sa akin.
simula ngayon, mamahalin ko na lang ang mga taong nagmamahal sakin. ay hindi. mas mamahalin ko ang mga taong nagmamahal sakin.
i have to talk to my mom. i have to tell her i am sorry.
sobrang gulo ng utak ko. sobrang gulo ng buhay ko. at hindi ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahang ayusin. well, naumpisahan ko siya by trying to pull up my grades, and i was able to prove to myself na kaya ko. pero as usual dinagdagan ko nanaman.
kaya ngayon, uumpisahan kong linisin ang kuwarto ko. tapos pag nagawa ko na yon, tatapusin ko na yung problema ko sa lit at english. kung alin mauna doon or magaaral ako for botany lab. tapos aayusin ko na yung kay cathy. tapos kay zab. tapos pagkatapos nun sa nanay ko na yung aayusin ko. kasi sa tingin ko pag nagawa ko na yun, medyo okay na yung buhay ko, puwede ko ng isa-isahin plantsahin ang mga gusot sa buhay ko. siguro dapat kong umpisahan sa pinakabagong problema? kasi, mas fresh at iyon yung nasa ibabaw eh.
hmmmm... hindi ko alam kung anong meron ako para kay zab. kasi na o-overwhelm ako. pero mas okay na friends lang kami. tama. yun lang.
Labels: fix, life, me