Wednesday, March 28, 2007 @4:20 AM
ay mali. dapat gising na!
hindi naman masyado gumagana ang kape sa akin. kasi kahit umiinom ako ng kape, nakakatulog pa rin talaga ako. pero, kanina ng pag inom ko nagising talaga ko.
ngayon alam ko na kung bakit nakakagising ang kapeng mainit. shet! pagnapaso ka, magigising ka talaga! siiiyeeeet!
dapat gumagawa ako ng fil paper, at nagbabasa ng limang hardbound books na inuwi ko mula sa aklatan. pero andaming panggulo sa buhay ko. andiyan ang telebisyon at ang internet. pero kailangan ko ng internet dahil nagsasaliksik ako ng chick lit dahil walang chick lit sa aklatan.
tapos naisipan ko magtimpla ng kape kasi kanina noong bumili ako ng 3-in-1 sa vendo, ang asim niyong kape! bad trip. kaya ngayon, 3-in-1 ulit pero ako na nagtimpla at hindi na galing sa vendo:D tapos edi natimpla ko na, tapos paginom ko, homay! muntik ko na bitawan yung mug! pero buti na lang hindi kasi mukhang mas lalo magigising ako kapag ganoon.
tapos, walang saysay 'tong mga kuwento na ito. gusto ko lang sabihin na kaya nakakagising ang kape kasi nakakapaso siya:D haha. (pero sa akin lang yun. baka sa iba umeepekto ang kape).
shet. nasa tv ngayon ang "princess hours" tapos may special duckling. wtf??? hay naku, hindi na uso yang mga love story na yan. hindi rin totoo ang fairy tales. bakit? totoo ba ang fairies? hindi. totoo ba ang tales? tails oo, pero tales hindi. hindi lahat ng kuwento totoo. kaya hindi totoo ang fairy tales at love stories. gawa-gawa lang yan para bumili ka ng mga produktong may relasyon sa mga iyon.
hay. ansarap ng kape. sana lang magising ako. ang labu-labo na ng fil paper ko. wala itong pinatutunguhan. hindi ko nga alam kung angkop pa ang topic ko sa mga binabasa ko eh.
gusto ko ng sunflower. iyon talaga gusto ko ngayon. at hindi magbukas! para hindi kailangan magpasa ng fil paper. pero, asa pang mangyayari iyon. pag nangyari iyon, maniniwala na ko sa fairy tales at love stories. pero kapag hindi, eh di hindi.
kailangan magising. kailangan magising ang katawan, utak at diwa. kailangan makagawa ng D-able na fil paper.
shet. nalala ko ulit ang tingin sa mukha ni Jelson. akala ko dati medyo pikon siya sa akin, until Thursday happened. tapos narealize ko kahapon kung ano talaga ibig sabihin niyon. Kasi nung sumagot ako, parang tuwang-tuwa siya na tama iyong sagot ko, tapos ako yung pinakamababa sa long test. tapos Friday wala talaga siyang consultation, pero sabi niya nang dumating ako "Ikaw lang ah" tapos yung tingin niya talaga sakin "Kawawa naman itong batang to. Wala na tong pag-asa. Tulungan ko na nga" yung ganoong klaseng tingin.
hindi ko to sinasabi in a bad way, pero oo nga. ang hopeless ko na. wala ng pag-asa. hay.
sana na lang hindi ako makatulog.
sabi nga ni vane, sleep is for the weak. at sa tingin ko malakas ako. malakas ako matulog.(homay! shomay! ang labo koooo!)
gisiiiing naaaa!!!!
Sunday, March 18, 2007 @7:53 AM
i have said sometime before that it's okay. no it was actually my goal to be a virgin slut.
but! now that i feel like i am a slut, i don't think i want to be one. gawd. this sucks.
maybe, because this time i am me. i am not some character i made up or played a role in. because no matter what i tell myself, it was real. wtf. i contradict what i told everybody. that it was nothing. because it wasn't nothing. it would be totally fine, if it was just "that" but no. it wasn't there were undefined and undescribable emotions that were attached to what happened. that sucks. emotions are the reason people cling to each other. it is the reason why people have to choose, so that everything would be clear and in black and white. because if it doesn't have a name, it doesn't exist. and now i see what my fil 12 teacher meant with "ang hanggahan ng wika ko ang hanggahan ng mundo ko" or something like that that he quoted from some philosopher with a european name. and what i felt then was more than liking LIKE but not love. because i don't want to be in love. but in the middle of the week i thought i was falling. but it was too complicated for me to do the freaking free fall, and good thing i didn't.
shet. somebody stole my special kiss. that special kiss i am saving for someone equally special.
yes, i am hating you. you stole my thimble. just because you knew that you are the materialization of my realization, you took advantage of it and stole my thimble! just because you think you are peter pan and you knew how i always wanted to fly and go to neverland, you made me your wendy. when in fact you wanted to be with tinkerbell all along. you made it look that you never meant to take advantage of me by making sure i wasn't drunk at all. why? what for? so that you wouldn't have any guilt on your part?
gawd. if i continue being emotional, i will just make things worse. i hate being emotional. excuse me, this must be PMS.
the rational thing to do is forget about it. because it already happened, no whining will change what happened. no bitterness will bring him back and make him choose youl. you said it yourself, he likes her more than he likes you. or rather he loves her but he likes you. and love is a ton more than like. you know that. you have no name in his life, therefore you are nothing. as you always are. so quit it.
but still, even if i do the rational thing, the feeling of being a slut won't go away. maybe that's what i am. a virgin slut. gawd! i am so fucked up.
Labels: black and white, conrete, hate, love, PMS, rationality
Monday, March 12, 2007 @10:00 PM
march 12, 2007
10 pm
i don't know where to start this.
i'll just type what is on my mind.
"everything is gonna be alright. be strong, believe."
that's what's playing wight now.
and it reminds me of zab.
zab is the reason of all this. i am not blaming him. it's my fault. but he is the reason of all these realizations.
because of him i am finally trying or decided to pick up the pieces that i let pile up in a mess. i have to start fixing my life. i have to know my priorities. sobrang nalalaman ko uli kung ano ang gusto ko, and i know from there... i'll be able to start picking up the pieces.
sobrang hindi ko alam kung bakit hinayaan kong gumulo ng ganito ang buhay ko. alam ko na pala. kasi i didn't care. i didn't want to care. i have stopped caring. and now, i realized that i can't stop caring. i have to break away from apathy. apathy is going to ruin me.
ngayon ko narerealize na sobrang i didn't want to care. i really stopped caring. kasi nagsawa ako magcare. at narealize ko na you can't stop caring. i realized that i am wrong. na no matter how much it pained you and how much caring hurt you, you can't decide to stop believing, you can't decide to stop loving life, you can't stop feeling, you can't stop having to care for someone and actually consider their feeling. you can't decide and pretend that everything is about you. cause it's not. and that revenge is not at all sweet. i got mine, but it didn't feel good. sobrang panget ng feeling.
siguro kasi ngayon, narealize ko na mahal talaga ko ng nanay ko. maybe i am that kind of person. i push them to their limits until i know that i matter to them. i push everything that matter to me away and see what will happen. to see if they will still stick with me or go away. and my mom, i know she doesn't deserve this. siguro kasi nafifeel ko na mahal niya talaga ko, and i try to make her unlove me and see what will happen. ganun ako palagi. puta. tangina. i know i have to change this attitude. hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan hanapan ko ng rason ang lahat ng bagay. hindi ko alam kung bakit lahat hinahanapan ko ng limit.
i have to accept that there are just things that are limitless. that no matter what i do to push them away they will still be there. kung sa math nga may limit does not exist. and i have been wrong to test the people that i know who will always be there. i have been wrong to push God, my mom and probably myself to the limit of not loving me. and i failed. i failed.
sana makita ng nanay ko kung paano ko nakikita ang araw na to.
today is God's wake up call. that no matter what i do. no matter how hard i try for Him to unlove me, it just won't happen. it's a wake up call that i cannot do things on my own. and that i am not that independent. hindi ko masabi kung paano pero narerealize mo lang yun eh.
and today would suck because i am actually admitting and accepting that i am wrong. and maybe, this is how i will be different from my dad. na hindi niya ako katulad. na kahit nasa akin ang lahat ng genes ng kagaguhan niya, ang pagiging matalino niya, ang pagiging independent at palaban niya, hindi pa rin ako katulad niya. i think it's time for me to fight for what's different with us. because unlike him, i can be faithful. unlike him i can admit and accept that i am wrong. unlike him i have compassion. unlike him i love my mom. unlike him i can control. unlike him i know how to stand up again. and i am not ashamed of falling so many times and feeling like shit.
i have to stop blaming other people. because i don't want to be like him. siguro nga hindi ko mababago ang genes niya na nasa akin. but i have always said that i am my own person. i have the choice to change my life and choose to not be like him.
this fight inside me is my struggle for my individuality. my struggle between me and my father in me.
i wish i am as strong as my mom. i wish i have her forgiving ability. her selflessness. her humility, and her faith. i also wish i have her courage.
courage is different with what i have. i am a coward because i am scared of big changes. i am scared of the unknown. i am scared to trust people.
"tapusin mo na yan. tapusin mo na yan"
-mom, i know. kailangan kong tapusin lahat ng kagaguhang iniisip ko. i have to put an end to my revenge. i have to put an end to my silliness. i have to put an end to my apathy.
i have to start trusting people. pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawin yun. kasi natatakot ako. ewan ko. hindi ko na alam. and it sucks for me to be in this state that i know nothing, and there are things that i can't explain.
sobrang pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko magopen up sa mga tao. at somehow kay zab, nagawa ko. ewan. at hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling yung sinabi ko sa kanya na "you have to have faith. it's the only thing that will save you."
i hate people when i know they're right. and somehow nagagalit ako sa mga taong tama ang sinasabi at pilit na pinapakita na mahal nila ko. nagagalit ako sa nanay ko na minamahal niya ko. nagagalit ako kay God kasi pilit niyang pinapakita na mahal niya ko. hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw ko na mahalin ako ng tao.
alam ko pala kung bakit. kasi i stopped believing in love. i had been cynical about it, and i pushed away everything that is attached to it.
i have to stop hating people. i have to really love. love the people that matters. love the people who loves me.
kasi naman ewan ko ba kung bakit ang hilig ko sa mga taong ayaw sa akin.
simula ngayon, mamahalin ko na lang ang mga taong nagmamahal sakin. ay hindi. mas mamahalin ko ang mga taong nagmamahal sakin.
i have to talk to my mom. i have to tell her i am sorry.
sobrang gulo ng utak ko. sobrang gulo ng buhay ko. at hindi ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahang ayusin. well, naumpisahan ko siya by trying to pull up my grades, and i was able to prove to myself na kaya ko. pero as usual dinagdagan ko nanaman.
kaya ngayon, uumpisahan kong linisin ang kuwarto ko. tapos pag nagawa ko na yon, tatapusin ko na yung problema ko sa lit at english. kung alin mauna doon or magaaral ako for botany lab. tapos aayusin ko na yung kay cathy. tapos kay zab. tapos pagkatapos nun sa nanay ko na yung aayusin ko. kasi sa tingin ko pag nagawa ko na yun, medyo okay na yung buhay ko, puwede ko ng isa-isahin plantsahin ang mga gusot sa buhay ko. siguro dapat kong umpisahan sa pinakabagong problema? kasi, mas fresh at iyon yung nasa ibabaw eh.
hmmmm... hindi ko alam kung anong meron ako para kay zab. kasi na o-overwhelm ako. pero mas okay na friends lang kami. tama. yun lang.
Labels: fix, life, me