My friends say I'm a commitment phobe, that I push people away, that I don't show my real self to other people. That, well I said this, I am building blocks all over me and then I put on a mask for everyday use. I mean what's wrong with this? I am still the person that people see every day, the mask that I put on is just to cover a certain aspect of myself. It's not actually a mask, it's more of a shield, a helmet or any sort of protection that one can wear. Is it wrong to protect myself from future pain?

Is there something wrong with anticipating the bad things that may happen? To shield myself from falling apart? To be cautious about my actions and the reactions to those actions? I say, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself. There's nothing wrong with being strong, or at least pretending to be strong. In the world that I am in, I cannot afford to be weak. It's a natural reaction, it's natural selection. Those who are strong makes it through the next generation, and the weakling? The weakling gets pushed aside, ignored, and then gets eaten by the next predator who would think that they are even alive.

I on the other hand, just got the genes of a safety engineer and a businesswoman. It's their job to anticipate problems, and solve them before it even happens. It's their job to minimize losses, it's their job to cut costs, it's also their job to protect people, or in a business objective the business. It's in my genes to find the best, to be the best. I minimize the losses that I might encounter; I anticipate future damages and try to cut opportunity cost. In a business, you can't be weak or else you'll fade into oblivion.

You see my dear friends, you cannot persecute me for being “scared.” You, of all people, should see, understand, and support me with my new tactic. You have seen me before. Before all this, before I started building walls again. You have seen why on earth I am becoming cold, cynical, and indifferent about all these love shit, flirting and plain jungle riot that is happening all over. I have seen it first hand, and I have learned my lesson.

They say, experience is the best teacher. But as Minna Antrim puts it, “Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.” I have learned my lesson through experience, and she did send me a big bill that my parents had to foot. It was literally expensive, and most of all emotionally exhausting. This is how I cope, this is my coping mechanism, this is how I adapt, how I learn, how I show that I’ve learned my lesson. It’s just sad. It’s just sad that even you, my friends, the people who know me better, have objections in how I am.

On a lighter note: I got crazy, I got lonely… But ssssss-see? I learned!

P.S. This is sad. That little line didn’t cheer up my mood. Gawd! I’m purging myself of emotions hoping that all these heaviness would come pouring out of me and make me feel light again! I have not drank gin but still “Bilog ang Mundo.” I was just happy this morning, this afternoon, until I felt lonely all of a sudden in the midst of lovers! I hate love sick people. I hate them. They should not make me feel sad, alone and lonely! It all started with the rain, and the coldness, and the people around me who has someone, and I am all alone.

I’m sorry, but I want you to find me now!!! Find me! Find me! Find me! I want to be swept away by your charms. I want to float when you smile. I want for the world to dissolve around us when we talk. I want to be elated when you touch me, even just for a fraction of a second of your skin on mine, I want for the electricity to flow through us charged with ten thousand volts and all we could do is hold on to each other to neutralize it. I want for you to be breathless without me. I want for you to fly with me, dream with me, and together we’ll find Neverland. Most of all, I want that when you find me, we are both in reality.

Now, I have fewer requirements for my dream guy:
1. He should make me feel special and get me to feel kilig.
2. He should capture and keep my attention only to him.
3. He should know how to love me without being told.

See? I just have three requirements for you. That’s it! Three simple things! Yet it seems like no one can be my dream guy!!! Is that hard to be my dream guy??? I don’t think so! One already became one, even just for a day. For one day he became my Peter Pan and took me to Neverneverland. Well, I guess it really is not never land. Because we landed. We landed again, in this wretched earth. Or maybe, we were in our Neverland, but it became the realworld when all his magic left as he left me standing in the middle of thin thread to fall all alone.

I hate you, Zab. Yes, his name is Zab. And I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. And I wish I’d stop hating him and not care. Not care that he is nowhere to be found. Not care that he’s AWOL. Not care that he has a girlfriend. Not care that he left me. Not care that I might’ve pushed him away. Not care that he did not choose me. Not care that he hurt me. Not care that he was my Peter Pan. Not care that he was everything that I wanted. Not care that I wasn’t enough for him. I JUST DON’T WANT TO CARE ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO CARE ENOUGH TO HATE HIM. I DON’T WANT TO CARE TO HATE HIM WITH ALL THAT’S IN ME. I just don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to cry when I get drunk because thoughts of him haunt me and that’s the time I become vulnerable. I don’t want to be like this when for God’s sake he might be ten thousand miles away. I don’t want to be sad every time it rains just because I feel alone and I feel like giving up on Peter Pan ever finding me when he was once my Peter Pan. I hate the fact that it’s you I’m thinking of. That it’s you I end up talking about, or thinking of. I hate you. I wish you could feel the hate resonating from within me that hopefully it reaches you then maybe, you can make it up to me.

the ultimate come back.

the stupidity. --came back.

the stubborness. --never really left.

the feelings. --alllllll coming back.

the paranoia. --came back.

the what ifs. --coming back one by one.

the denial. --this I don't want to leave.

the only thing left for the big ultimate is for the person to come back.

"Come back my money! Come back my money!" -Sir Ibarra

Actually gusto ko lang sabihin yung lines na yun kasi sobrang nakakatawa lalo na kapag sinasabi ni sir. Naalala ko lang dahil Law later at hindi pa ko nag babasa!:) Yey for me!

My mom sent this to me and I find it truthful.



Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
Live a pleasing life to God.

- George Carlin

I hold my life as if sand in my hand. (Wow, that rhymes.) It's slipping fast and steady from my grip and then all will be left are some grains stuck in my palm.

I am slowly withdrawing from people. I talk to fewer and fewer people. I spend less and less hours in school, in crowded places, outside my house. I find myself with nothing to say, nothing to do besides what it is that's necessary.

Everyday, life is sucked out of me by the people around me. One day, I'll drop dead. Or until I get a sip of life's zest, will I post again

Janica and I were browsing at National, and then I told her about Vic reading books now. I told her that Vic just finished my book "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey after reading the sequel to that book, "My Friend Leonard" and my dad bought him the Twilight series (I'm not so sure of the title.) Janica said, his blogging's improved, that he posted something good.

So, when I got home, I checked Vic's multiply and read his blog, and I think that what Janica was talking about is his blog entitled: I could die for the words that you saaay. read.

Well, it's mostly lines/phrases/paragraphs from the book that he likes which is mainly about love, and at first I thought he writing it, because I know he's totally relating to it, until I saw the James part, and some lines were familiar.

After super long quotations. There were some shout outs for his friends, and even though I wasn't there, I missed him super, especially how much his friends miss him, and I'm kinda jealous that he's talking to them and all.

And then, there's this girl!!! Gawd, the ate in me is screaming "SLUT!!!!" but well, she's nice, but not so much of Vic's ex things. Specially this girl that I got close to, and I learned to like. But then, I keep playing the song that she typed on Vic's comment box.

There's also this post Vic has, it's my previous post, that made me cry just now... again! Memories with Vic.

I can't say we're super close, but we're not far apart, I can't say we don't fight, if we don't we wouldn't be brother and sister.

My memories of my supermodel brother:
I remember that time when he was less than a year old and we were swimming, and something floated:))

I remember that time we were swimming and he bumped his chin on the side of the pool and it looked soooo gross.

I remember that time when he went home with a girl, that was the first time he introduced me to his girl.

I remember that time when we went window shopping and we tried on clothes, and he'd tell me if the jeans look nice on me or not.

I remember that time he kept on singing "Buloy" and somebody called him and we all said it was Buloy and he was super scared the whole night!

I remember that time we had a fight and he threw my laptop(the black dell) and from then on, the screen got busted.

I remember that time when mom and I picked him up at Marlo's house, and I knew he was drinking!

I remember that time when I opened the gate and he was struggling to get out the window of Jango's pick up, obviously drunk but pretended to be sleepy instead.

I remember that time, he threw a padlock at me.

I remember that time when I asked him if I could smoke and he said "No" and when I asked him why he said, "Kung di kita mahal, papayagan kita." In his most suplado tone.

I remember that time, when we were in Dubai and he was so bored that he started dancing souljah boy's crank that. I have that on video, in my stolen phone!

I remember the times when I'd tease him, and would try to kiss him and he'd be super pissed.

I remember the times I'd pester him with questions about his love life.

I just want to be his ate, even if he acts like he's our kuya. At least, in the aspect of love and girls, he's my little brother and he lets me tell him all about girls and love. And I want to be my brother's friend.

I miss Vic. I don't have someone to go shopping with, he knows what looks good and not, I don't have kaaway anymore. I don't have someone to share my kagaguhans with. At wala ng pasikat sa bahay.

This time, it's a different kind of homesickness that I feel.

Forgive me, I am not used to this anymore.

I am now in the process of relearning the art of cramming, of late nights and early mornings to the point of no sleep.

I am also in the process of reacquiring lost study habits... rather acquiring study habits, good study habits.

I am also finding my way amongst the veteran students.

It may seem an exaggeration for others, but really if you bum for more than three months, it will consume all that you know of being a student, a worker and of being a FUNCTIONAL human being.

If all you do for three months is sleep and eat, you will have a hard time staying up late more of waking up early in the morning! It will be hard for your body to adjust from skipping meals and irregular meals. It will even be a rigorous task to think of what you would wear to school, especially if none of your clothes fit you because you gained gargantuan amount of fat; what to eat for breakfast, and where your class is.

Make it worse by taking a full load for summer. Three hard core subjects that require a lot of reading time, writing time, and an awful lot of time to digest and process.

So, if I appear as a slacker, and irresponsible, forgive me. I am doing my best not to be, but I am still adjusting. AGAIN.

LUCYstar
stardust came to life
student.dreamer.shopper.discoverer.reader


.life with me. friends.

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