December something, 2007 (Friday after Christmas and before New Year)
Dearest Kitten,
I miss you so much. I miss knowing that I can text or call you without thinking about how expensive and how short our conversation will be that I have to pick which of the issues haunting me is more disturbing and more important to tell you. To share with you.
Kits, you are the person I am most comfortable talking to about anything. I don't know why, you just are. You just listen and the comfort that your listening gives is enough. And the fact that we share likeness to a lot of things, and even if we don't you understand.
Kits!!!! I super miss you!!!! The only way I am retaining my sanity is doing chores(which sometimes still doesn't help because my mind still drifts), watching TV(but chick flicks just make me sadder even more), and losing myself into the world that books create for me.
Books now are my savior, as they always were. But I can buy any book I want now.:) Finally, I finished reading "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. After two years of trying to read it.
At siyempre kahit hindi gaano nakakaiyak yung libro, naiyak ako. Kasi noong hiniram ni Janica may naiwan siyang post-it na nakalagay yung sinabi ni Tinkerbell kay Peter Pan: "Do you know that place between sleeping and being awake? That place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." At sobrang gusto ko malaman kung saan nakuha ni Janica iyon.
At doon na nag-umpisa bumalik, onti-unti ang mga bagay na kaugnay ay si Zab.
One time I checked my multiply and I looked at the UP people's multiply's, and I saw some pictures, I think he has a new girl. And that bothered me. It bothered me more that until now he still has an effect on me. It bothered me that I felt a pang of jealousy and a wave of sadness that he has a new girl, and I forced my self to be nonchalant about it, which is so pathetic because no one can see me. I pretended to be nonchalant to myself. How pathetic is that? Very.
And when I am pulled out from pseudo-solitude, I am forced to face the horrors of living with my mother and two brothers with a little of the father that I don't like. The only bribe I get is shopping... and food. Lots of food. Ice cream, yogurt, fruits, ice cream, ice cream, pastries, and more ice cream. To compensate for all the food stuffing, I try to drown myself in water. Guess why I am eating a lot? Because I am not smoking.
I miss how it feels to smoke, and the pathetic little me resorts to second hand smoke coming out of my father's friends/colleagues when they have the get together at a friend's condo unit.
PERO!!! Hindi naman ako kating-kati mag-yosi, curiosity lang ulit. Enough na yung isang puff to satisfy my everyday curiosity of how it feels to smoke. Hahaha.
Oooh! I have also finished reading Mitch Albom's "For One More Day"!!! And I want my mom to read it. At least somehow maybe we'd get into trying to understand each other. And after reading about someone who recovered from a fucked up life, I finished "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey and it's also about a guy's life trying to recover in a rehab. Dealing with his 10 years of fucked up life, and deep rage which he calls "the Fury" against his parents who loved him so much, and somehow I can relate to him, his views, and how he is, except I am not as fucked up as him. And it kinda made want to fall in love more because of his story.
It's a memoir, so it really happened to the author but he added a little something to it, changed some characters to protect their identities. And while reading this book, I get distracted about how I am, and how we are(my parents and I), and how my future is, and my past.
My past... actually the events of this year flashes and haunts me at different times of the day, and sometimes, like this time, when I am alone(meaning Magic is busy with his PSP and TV) with my books and iPod, I let the pictures, and clips of the things I have done flash in front of me. And there are some things that I feel horrible I did them. But mostly I feel sad and remorseful.
I don't know if it's just an end of the year thing. Pero hindi rin eh, while I was reading A Million Little Pieces, and James was telling how much he loves Lilly(who, may I say, is a crackhead and pillpopper and a prostitute) and I remember how it was with Alex, and how he makes me feel, and how I felt. And I missed it. I wanted to feel like that again. sobraaa. I know patience is a virtue... which is a quality that quality-control missed.
sobraaang gusto ko ma-feel yun and so much more. at natatakot ako, kasi habang tumatagal, mas lalo akong nagiging idealistic about everything. about the guy, the relationship, and everything in between. anxiety is killing me!!!
and my looking at my old pictures, and my pictures now makes me feel ugly. and sometimes. no, not sometimes, most of the time I ask myself what's wrong with me. What the fuck is wrong with me???? And i stop because I don't want to answer it, because I will only feel worse if I tell myself the wrong things about me. Fishing na kung fishing, pero gusto ko yung totoo, I want to know why I am not looked at in that kind of way, and why on earth i find it freaking hard to give out genuine, self-less love.
Siguro masyado lang akong na romanticize ng mga librong pinagbababasa ko, but these stories, have to come from somewhere, it is both imagined and lived and experienced by someone. Diba?
I'mana lend you my "A million little pieces", it's super nice and I'm going to look for this book entitled Tao te ching by Lao-tze/Lao-tzu something like that and it's wow! In that book, Tao te ching, it says something about the way of life, and I like it. One of the things it says there is that "Don't compete nor compare. Just be yourself." And that's what I am trying to do, find myself, find who I am.
So far, all I know about me is that, I am open minded and empty minded that I get most of my ideals from watching TV and reading books. And I am totally in love with books.
(While writing this, I searched, the book in Encarta and this is what I found:
The essential Daoist philosophical and mystical beliefs can be found in the Daodejing (Tao-te Ching, Classic of the Way and Its Power) attributed to the historical figure Laozi (Lao-tzu, 570?-490? BC) and possibly compiled by followers as late as the 3rd century BC. Whereas Confucianism urged the individual to conform to the standards of an ideal social system, Daoism maintained that the individual should ignore the dictates of society and seek only to conform with the underlying pattern of the universe, the Dao (or Tao, meaning “way”), which can neither be described in words nor conceived in thought. To be in accord with Dao, one has to “do nothing” (wuwei)—that is, nothing strained, artificial, or unnatural. Through spontaneous compliance with the impulses of one's own essential nature and by emptying oneself of all doctrines and knowledge, one achieves unity with the Dao and derives from it a mystical power. This power enables one to transcend all mundane distinctions, even the distinction of life and death. At the sociopolitical level, the Daoists called for a return to primitive agrarian life.
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.)
And I think I am switching to this belief, it's easy to digest, but kinda hard to do, but I think it is parallel with my goals of divergence from what society is trying to instill in us. And saying all this to you, talking about this, what I read, and what I like brings me closer to knowing myself, and hating myself.
I hate myself because I am forgetful. I tend to forget things, but remember them at the most inconvenient times. And it sucks that I wasn't able to watch the Death of Memory, because the story plays along in that kind of theme.
Here are the things I know about myself:
1) I know that I want to be happy and it's not the kind of happiness that I think my mother and father wants me to find. Or I believe that they perceive me to find happiness in material things. WHICH I DON'T THAT IS WHY I AM NOT LIKING DUBAI.
Dubai is a city, with vastness of sand dunes covered with buildings and amazing engineering and architecture. They have a floating bridge which amazes and intrigues me as how it works. Amazing things intrigues me. I want to know how it works.
2) I know that I want to know how things work, I don't really know why exactly, but I like to know how things work, like the microwave, the floating bridge, I like to know the mechanics and origin and reason of how and why things are. And I find joy in knowing and learning about it.
3) I know that I will always be tempted to buy knowing that it's cheap and good quality. And I am in love with ukay-ukays, sales, and outlets where you will find good brands with good qualities at the cheapest price.
4) I know that I have oral fixation though I am trying to believe that I don't have.
5) At this age, I believe that my mind is still malleable.
6) I know that I have a thirst for knowledge that is most often than not is deafeated by laziness in the means of lying down and television.
I am practicing reading my books in places where there are lots of distraction and challenge my will and concentration to finish the book. Hopefully this will help when I get back to school.
7) I know that I get carsick/motion sickness whenever butterflies or something of that sort is in my stomach. Like long winding roads which involves sudden breaks and velocity.
8) I know that I agree and believe in this:
Not exalting the worthy means the people do not envy;
Not prizing hard-to-get valuables means the people do not steal.
Not looking at that which creates desire makes the heart undisturbed.
-Laozi, Tao te ching
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
and that this is what soceity is doing wrong. And I think this is what Tyler Durden believes in in Fight Club.
9) I know that I am easily affected by movies and the books I read and I tend to dramatize my life according to what I have watched/read and how I perceived the ideals it give.
10) I know that I will not truly believe in everything that Daoism says.
One may know the world without going out of doors.
One may see the Way of Heaven without looking through the windows.
The further one goes, the less one knows.
-you cannot make me stay in one place. I love to travel and I would like to see the world.
Learning builds daily accumulation, but the practice of Tao builds daily simplification. Simplify and simplify, until all contamination from relative, contradictory thinking is eliminated.
-it will be hard for me to turn my back to shopping and clothes, and shoes. especially if they're on sale.
© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
I'll stop at 10 things for now. Feel ko sobrang haba na ng pinagsasasabi ko. But it helped me forget about missing the feeling I once felt with Alex, and the kilig feeling of him calling me a "farmeress" which is the most corniest and weirdest thing someone can call another person to make her feel kilig. But I did, I got kilig all high with love because of that, and for when he says good night, and when he would pretend not to be jealous when I am trying to make him jealous, and how I would hear his heartbeat, and his breathing. All those little things and simple "ily" and "i love you" and when he would play along with my corny jokes and weird lambings.
Telling you all those makes me feel it again, and it would feel real, and I am enveloped with nostalgia, no more regrets though. All memories of love that I recount brings nostalgia and not regret. Which I think is a good thing. It means, I am over everything.
2007 is a story of hair. The story of my hair. Recently ko lang narealize. :)) For every boy I liked/loved/or something close to it this year I change my hair when I am over and done with them.
When I cut my curls in March, I was over Alex. Then in April I cut my hair shorter after Zab. And then, I cut my side bangs shorter during sembreak after Charles, and then I cut my hair again like a 4-year old kid with bangs, after Bart.
(Jan. 20, 2008)
I was reading this again and realized it doesn’t have it’s good byes I must’ve been interrupted while doing this.
Well, I have been here for a month and after my mom and brothers left I hardly noticed it. And I am not really missing anyone now. I guess I am liking the solitude I have here and the fact that I am with my dad who just leaves me a couple of dirhams to spend when he’s out for work and I get to spend the whole day for myself and that the mall is just a few steps away. But it’s not that fun in a high end mall. Not much to buy unless you have a rich man’s credit card.
But I do get nostalgic when I see our pictures. And I did miss you guys when I saw the picture during the Christmas party. Well, honestly, I do think if I am part of the brood, you know? I am still confused… or something like that because I feel very comfortable and happy with you guys and I look it on pictures but it’s just weird that I don’t have friends like that from my school. And I feel sad about it. Not that I am not okay with you guys, but it’s just that it seems not right. I should have a new set of friends because it’s college. You guys have new sets of friends, I feel like I don’t. And once again, I don’t know what to do. Or guess, I don’t want to know what to do.
Oh well, it’s 1 am here. I gotta get some sleep.
With Love,
Kamote