Right now I hate tall buildings and the fact that our building is small.

I can hear the fireworks from Festival City (that's how near it is from our flat) the beautiful fireworks and it sucks that it's too cold outside, and I'm too lazy to go out and that there's a building blocking my view from all the windows in our flat!!!

arrrrgghhh!!! 30-minutes of torture!!! hearing the fireworks and not be able to see it(well, I can see those that are way up high and the smoke). :(

Tomorrow I shall see it from a really good view!

I find myself with nothing to write about. I was reading a some blog entries from random people's blog page and they have something to write about, opinions to speak out, experiences that are worthy enough to share. And I kinda felt small because of the lame things I have been blabbing about. All I ever write about is my homesickness, my opinions about myself, my rants and all other "my" stuff.

A friend once suggested, when he found out I'm staying here in Dubai for a long time, to write. This is an opportunity for me to write about things I wanted to write about but never having the time to do so.

And now that I have all the time in the world to write, I just can't seem to remember the things I wanted to write about. I'm trying to make the door between my consciousness and the unconscious part of my mind ajar with the hope of having an insight about the things I'd like to write about. But I can't still find them.

I can't be that kind of writer who keeps her/himself locked up in a tower, in seclusion to write about things. I need to be submerged in the life I want to write about, first-hand experience as much as possible, or at least see it with my own eyes perceive it with my own senses.

I want to write about poverty, and find beauty in it, give hope to uplift it, and make those who dwell in it happy. I want to write about the simple life, how having nothing to just enough could be the happiest place you could ever wish for. I want to write about life. And where I am right now is not the best place for me to see all those things.

Why? Well, there aren't any poor people here. You wouldn't see beggars on the streets, there are no homeless people, those people they call poor here are those who gets paid low wages, who live at flats where rent is cheap. But it's nothing like the poverty in the Philippines nor the United States(where there still are homeless people--that's what I see on TV) where there are beggars and homeless and unemployed and kids dying from starvation and robberies and other crimes that spells out "desperately need money." At least that's what I see.

See??? I can't write with the conviction I need to make my compositions believable, at least for me! I can't because I am not sure if this is the reality of it. I haven't really seen the whole of it, I watch minimal news here only the ones in English which is mainly about the economy and business status here in Dubai there are no headlines of people getting killed or getting robbed except for this article in the news paper where the title said "Suspect does not know why he stabbed compatriot" that's about it. The only killings you'd hear and/or see in the news are those at Palestinian boundaries (e.g. Egypt, Israel.)

Okay, now I am lost. I don't know why the fuck I'm complaining about the life here it's what almost everybody would be wishing for in a country. The sheikhs are spending millions of Dirhams to build fancy villas for the citizens(nationals) of UAE to live in, you do not have to worry about getting mugged at dark alleys, you can have a week's worth of food for Dhs100 (that includes meat, fish, chicken, vegetables), and you can have your grocery delivered.

But then again, I'm not like almost everybody, I've always wanted to live at the edge of having just enough money to pay my bills, free-lancing on theatre work and other art stuff, being content with a job that's not really time demanding... I want to be a fisherman and a farmer and live outside the city and teach kids for food. That would be a very ideal life for me. And not having lots of money would piss off my parents. Fun!:D And being here, with all the development and shit is killing that picture for me. I have no food to feed that vision. :( There's no simple life here, "comfort" which most companies are selling means "luxury", "glamour", etc. It's shit. It's all about sky-high buildings and almost everything that capitalist would ever dream of. It's like all those hip-hop music videos(blings, cars, money, minus the women i think) come to life. It's disgusting!

And the last thing, how can I write about life, when I have no life here. I never get to go out, I have no friends, and I have no one to talk to.

Okay, bad move to spend Dhs15 for a cup of coffee. If I didn't spend that Dhs20 for a stupid cup of coffee I would have enough money to buy either the following:

1) Evita Peroni shades (though I have 3 pairs now I still want round black big shades).

2) A shirt from Zara or Mango

3) 2 tops form Jeans West store

4) A pair of billabong slippers

5) In Her Shoes original DVD

6) Aldo shades

all which I like. And if I wasn't sooo impulsive with calls I wouldn't have to spend Dhs25 on load which I don't really need that much then I'd have my In Her Shoes DVD now and any of the 5 items that I wanted! Arggh! Stupid stupid me.

Stinginess is not really fitting for this title because I just want to buy buy buy! But then when I am about to buy it I stare at the item for a really long time contemplating of wether to buy it or not and then I 'd just get pissed at everything I wouldn't be in a mood to buy anything at all. Then I'd end up spending all the money I saved up to buy a certain piece of clothing or accesory on some impulsive book buying(even though I still have lots of unopened books from previous whimsy purchase.)

Maybe I feel guilty from making my dad buy me a lot of stuff. He should just give me some budget to spend on my shopping in that way I'd have this feel of spending my own money. :D

Gawd, what's happening to me??? I'm getting nicer and considerate.

But then again, I guess not because I didn't feel guilty buying a new pair of bikini from Billabong which I now realize a little too expensive for a swim suit. But who cares? I don't. My dad doesn't mind buying them though I told him I was gonna buy shirts. And they were 50% off. :D I had top and bottom for only Dhs120! Happy me:D Plus I have new flip flops.

Hmmmm... :D

Shopping List for DSF:
1) Denim skinny jeans (dark)

2) Shorts

3) Shirts (Zara, Mango, Jeans West)

4) Boots (black leather)

5) Polo

6) Sandals

7) Flats

8) Black formal shoes

9) Black dress

10) Dress

I feel sad because:

1) I don't have friends here.

2) I have no one to talk to, and if this goes on longer I might go crazy..er.

3) I want to watch these movies:

a) 27 Dresses (which I promised to watch with Janica.)

b) Sweeney Todd

c) The Assassination of Jesse James

d) Across the Universe

e) Sleuth

f) The movie with Joanne Cusack and the little kid who thinks he's a martian.

4) I haven't seen anyone here who I think is my age.

5) It's too cold outside to run, or I think I'm just too lazy to run alone.

6) I'm sick of watching shows from GMA.

7) I can't shop until February.

8) I feel fat... well, I am fat. My dad said I'm gonna burst soon.

9) I am always at home. I never get to leave home and our 'home' is too small to be anywhere at all.

10) I am broke.

The only thing that makes me laugh now is Ed, Edd, and Eddy.

"Once again, at the end of the day we find ourselves stuck together in some nasty way." -Ed, Edd, and Eddy.

Oh, and that I was able to talk to Jeannine today on the phone.

And that I woke up today feeling pretty. That usually don't happen cause I feel ugly when I wake up most of the time.

Grabbed from Janica :D

20 deep questions that could really tell you something.

[ Not simple questions like "How Old Are You?" ]


1. Is it difficult for you to look into someone's eyes when you are telling them how you feel?
Yes, when I don’t want them to know about it. But if I want them to, it’s a piece of cake… I guess.

2. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
Probably my dad. Or Niki if my dad’s with me on the plane. I really don’t know could you make a phone call on a burning plane? Ooooh! I know, my mom cause her number’s the only one I memorize by heart. :D

How come there’s no number 3????

4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.

(A)Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?
It would be nice to surprise them that I’ll just fall dead because they might change they way they would act around me. But I’ll probably tell my parents to get money and people to get my way.:D

(B) What will you do with your remaining days?
Do whatever I want. :D

(C) Would you be afraid?
I fear a lot of things but not death, because I it’s inevitable. But to know that you might not have enough time might scare me. Or not.

5. You have the following two things:
an ipod and a mobile?
Yes. Music and loved ones(or at least a way to reach them). :D

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Try to get the dog, but if it’s real dirty and the canal is real dirty I might not.

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, Where would you go?
Europe the whole of it!

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

Yes.

10. Does love = sex?
NO! You might have sex because of love. But sex does not equate to love, it’s an action not a feeling.

11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
I would definitely not die after her. Definitely that would be sad, extremely horrific, and it would definitely make me cry.

12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
Fuck. I don’t know. I usually don’t tell everything. Heck, I don’t tell myself everything. Last year. March last year.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back ?

Love them. Emotionally draining.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
Myself. Oh, wait, I have. This question is hard. My education, I can’t just stop studying altogether, get breaks but not stop.

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
When I talk to my friends.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would it be?
First thing that came to mind was the March 12 thing. But then it was fun. So 2^nd thing was messing it up with Alex but then it became a good experience. And then the preparation for my debut came. It could’ve been more if I wasn’t too lazy and made up my mind earlier than a month before my birthday.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
My lola, or my dad or my mom. Depends where I am. I would definitely run!

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Yes, I’ve always wanted to do CPR.

19. Are you old-fashioned?
Like, clothes? Hahaha. Kidding, I can’t say yes but not entirely a no.

20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or
have never loved before?
True love. But if I hadn’t felt a little taste of an almost true love I’d say have never loved before because then you wouldn’t know what you’re missing.

My wanting to be selfless is also because of something for myself which is also a selfish act. It’s a conscious aspiration which makes it something selfish. Being selfless is something that should naturally come out of your heart, unconsciously, something you don’t think of, something that comes from your bones and being, imprinted in your DNA. Which I don’t think is in mine. Sadness of it all.

Why most people write well when they have problems, when the world is on their shoulders, when they’re sad, heartbroken, lonely and all the negative things could happen, they write better, more creative, more artistic, and more inspired than when they are happy.

I scream. You Scream. We all scream for ice cream!

If I was to be in Cribs and show the viewers what I have in our fridge, and what's a staple thing to be inside it are:

1) Juice: Orange juice and Apple juice

2) Milk

3) Ice Cream

That's it. All my dad and I need. Ice cream. Here in Dubai, Baskin&Robbins ice cream parlor are really everywhere. There are 2 Baskin & Robbins near our flat. One in Burjuman and One in Sheikh Rashid(?) Road (I'm not really sure what're the names of the roads around). Anyway, there are a couple of good ice cream parlors here, not that I go to a them a lot 'cause I'm good with a pint of ice cream at home(and that I'm too lazy to go out of the house); Marble and Slab, Baskin and Robbins, Swensen, Gelati?(it sells really good looking gelato!) and a couple of local ice cream parlors. So far I've yet to try Marble and Slab because every time I am around the vicinity it's too early to get myself an ice cream.

I don't really miss the local ice creams except for FIC which I really love but somehow Hagen Daz kinda beats it. I used to not really like Haagen Dazs when I was in the Philippines, but I got to really appreciate it's taste here. I guess it's better than London Dairy, Kwality, Igloo, and Baskin Robbins(which are the brands of ice cream you'd find in the groceries). I definitely love Haagen Dazs' Belgian Chocolate and Summer Berries and Strawberry Cream, those are my favorite flavors. The Belgian chocolate isn't that sweet, kinda like dark chocolate plus the chocolate shavings mixed with it and the berries weren't too sweet with the syrup and there were real fruits. I'm big with the real things in ice cream that's why I really love Swensen! But it's far from our house and it's hard to go to Sharjah which is 2 hours away from Bur Dubai(where I live) because of traffic. It's kinda like going to Tagaytay for Mushroom Burger but I'm gonna look for Swensen here in Bur Dubai hopefully they have a branch here because their ice cream is just to die for! I love the chocolate peanut butter cups and the mad chocolate. Gelatos are also good because of its rich flavor and creamy gelly like but smooth texture, but I still prefer chunky ice creams:D

I can still taste the ice cream and the chunky chocolate peanut butter cups and peanut butter on chocolate swirls. Hmmmm... But I just have to settle for my pints at home until I get to go back in Sharjah or see a Swensen parlour somewhere around Karama.

January 19, 2008

5:30 am

I finally got my laptop back to its working state! Now you wonder what I am doing awake at 5 in the morning? Well my uncle arrived from Manila and he and my dad were talking in the dining room which really just 3 steps away from the bedroom. And as I have mentioned our 'house' is so small. It's as big probably as all the bedrooms in our house combined, that's how big it is for a bedroom, but for a house? I don't think so. There's no privacy and boundaries, except for the walls and the 4 doors around the dining room, which isn't much really.

Hmmm:) it just feels so good to type on my super soft keyboard and hear the clicking sounds when I type. I don't really get to hear the clicks of the keyboard when I am renting computers because I am too distracted to notice.

Okay, seems like my eyes wouldn't stay open, I'll go back to sleep.

Good news: I got my retainers now! Fear not my biters, you shall stay in perfect shape as my dentist made you.:D

January 10, 2008

Update for today:

1)I got my period today which is a bummer because I am having helluva muscle cramps plus my bruises which aches most of the time because I bump them. (I have one on my right elbow, a big one on my right bicep, and a long one on my left arm, two from falling of the stairs and the biggest from Magic's punch.)

2) I spent the first day with my mother and brothers living their lives in the Philippines and the whole day with Papa because it's a holiday today.

3) We ate the same food for lunch and breakfast.

4) I took a bath early today. :) Right after breakfast.

5) I washed the blues, purples, indigos today. and then Ironed most of the clothes, except for Papa's polos and my brother's shirts.

6) I now love Jack and Bobby because Jack McCallister is a total hottie and the series made me cry:)

7) Papa and I went to the Outlet Mall with tito Emel, tita Tess, tito Dong, and tito Andy. I'm sleepy the whole time, but I saw two cute guys. A couple of middle aged men seemed like they were checking me out, and the girl at El Mondo Cafe who I think is Filipina treated me like I am not one, maybe because I am starting to get my accent again and that my dad and I talk in english in addition to the english shows that I am watching. I suddenly didn't like anything from mango and found it expensive, which I now regret, also in Billabong and Roxy, specially now that they have new board shorts. Maybe because at that time I really really needed to go potty. Tito Andy treated us at some classy cafe, where I had a good latte and chicken takki which is indian filling on a panini. Papa finally bought me shoes, which I realized after was more expensive than the one I wanted from Zara. But the one in Zara is prettier, but I also liked the one I bought from Aldo cause it has this vintage look to it, I also wanted the red one with leopard prints (they were both flats because I am inlove with flats!!!) but I can't buy both, so I am waiting for DSF(which I think means Dubai Shopping Festival) that I told papa means Daughter's Shopping's Free:D atleast I get to bring home something!:D plus papa bought the protector for fabrics and suedes to keep am clean and dirt and water proof.:)

I am happy now. I get to keep my father for myself means, most of his love and all his attention is on me.:D And I am a fucking daddy's girl so fuck off whoever tries to steal my dad away, and he knows better than showing that he loves someone more than me. He knew what happened when I found out he had a mistress. It's okay for me to share him with my mother, which is good because it keeps my mother away from me. and my brothers are different, because their boys and I know papa loves me more because I am the only girl and I get my way around. But someone else who is totally not family gets more than I do... NO FUCKING WAY. I am a jealous person, and maybe a little insecure but I know what I know, and I tend to keep it that way. Besides, I secretly like being liked and being everybody's pet. :) I like the attention in that way, and now, since I am the only kid here who cooks superbly, I get praises and a little love. :)

I am not really missing my classmates, nor my friends that much. I am still having fun with my solitude. And I have no big annoying mother problems and besides, even though my father thinks he's gonna make my world small, it's not true. I have made my world small, I am most of the time in my own world. Besides, how can he make it small? I don't have friends here, how will I possibly go out drinking and smoking and doing drugs(which he doesn't know) besides the problem maker and fury waker is thousands of miles away from. I am perfectly safe and happy in this small world that I made and my father thinks he created. As long as he doesn't pull some bull shit, everything will be fine. I don't think there's anything to fight about. and my new year's resolution, main new year's resolution is to let my parents think they're in control of me because I will allow myself to follow them almost obediently, and since it's my new year's resolution my pride and ego won't get hurt when I follow them, because it will be my choice to do whatever it is that they want me to do. :)

Living here, makes me think that my ideals are shaped by my environment, the Philippines and the people in it and my mother inspires me to live without money and live with nature. Being here in Dubai makes me want to get that diploma from my course and work here, work in McDermott. Living here gives me bigger aspirations, but still adding some of my eccentricities to it. Like, yes working here, but making sure that if I work, I'll start with whatever salary or shit or anything for as long as they let me wear whatever I want and then I'll save enough money to study and live in London and if asked what I will study, I will study Biology, and then become a doctor. Yes, I am totally throwing away my future in the law. And then probably get a Ph.D. and then teach. And while studying I will try to get the lamest part time jobs in London. :) And I will be happy, and I'll take it from there. I know somewhere along the road if I do go back to the Philippines, which I'm kinda not excited to do, these plans/day dreams/wants will change.

Hmmmm...:) I love writing:D but I am now hungry and sleepy so I'll probably sleep because I am trying to starve myself to thinness.

January 9, 2008

2:30 pm

I'm supposed to be taking a bath now.:| and then I saw my loved slideshow of pictures.

Things I'm missing:

My long curly hair. I am missing them so much that I'm growing back my hair but keeping the bangs. I guess.

When I saw this, I stared at it for a minute and then, started naming the people. from top to bottom: me, bart, j9, niki, lorie, kai. i think phim's the one taking the picture and on the couch sleeping is definitely mangyan. And remembering who those in the picture are made me laugh. Mangs made me laugh. And no fail, remembering the laughs I had, makes me cry right now. And ofcourse the freaking playlist that I made with all the songs that remind me of high school or were popular back when I was in high school is playing. I know, it's the new year and I have to leave the past behind, but you can't erase memories. you just can't. especially the happy ones. the times, you'd not really care at that moment but you know deep down, one

day, you'll remember the happy times.

Actually, I saw a couple of my pictures with Zab, but I don't feel like missing him, and also Cathy, and then I missed Justin, but not entirely him, so i took this picture, good times with them. I missed this. I missed good times with Cathy, Zab and Justin, as a group. Fun times were with them, involving Justin's car. And this group picture is something that was extremely funny, and quite a relief.:)

I miss these two. They Kits and Janica are my favorite people to talk to. They're sensible and they get me, most of the

time. I miss talking to them and having the luxury to just text or call them up right away, but they are a 1.something dirham a text and some couple of dirhams per call away and I am much to expensive to talk to now. I miss just popping out of nowhere to see them about the littlest of my problems or just to have someone to go shopping with, or have coffee somewhere share a cig and talk for hours, or the best inuman buddies. That I am so missing right now, now that the first edition of this was somehow fucked up by my computer due to lack of disk space, and that my dad called insisting for sinigang which I do not want to cook for the reason that I don't want to go out of the so called house. and if they were here, I could vent it out.

god damn it. my fucking itunes is all jammed up and not working. fucking space.

December something, 2007 (Friday after Christmas and before New Year)

Dearest Kitten,

I miss you so much. I miss knowing that I can text or call you without thinking about how expensive and how short our conversation will be that I have to pick which of the issues haunting me is more disturbing and more important to tell you. To share with you.

Kits, you are the person I am most comfortable talking to about anything. I don't know why, you just are. You just listen and the comfort that your listening gives is enough. And the fact that we share likeness to a lot of things, and even if we don't you understand.

Kits!!!! I super miss you!!!! The only way I am retaining my sanity is doing chores(which sometimes still doesn't help because my mind still drifts), watching TV(but chick flicks just make me sadder even more), and losing myself into the world that books create for me.

Books now are my savior, as they always were. But I can buy any book I want now.:) Finally, I finished reading "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. After two years of trying to read it.

At siyempre kahit hindi gaano nakakaiyak yung libro, naiyak ako. Kasi noong hiniram ni Janica may naiwan siyang post-it na nakalagay yung sinabi ni Tinkerbell kay Peter Pan: "Do you know that place between sleeping and being awake? That place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." At sobrang gusto ko malaman kung saan nakuha ni Janica iyon.

At doon na nag-umpisa bumalik, onti-unti ang mga bagay na kaugnay ay si Zab.

One time I checked my multiply and I looked at the UP people's multiply's, and I saw some pictures, I think he has a new girl. And that bothered me. It bothered me more that until now he still has an effect on me. It bothered me that I felt a pang of jealousy and a wave of sadness that he has a new girl, and I forced my self to be nonchalant about it, which is so pathetic because no one can see me. I pretended to be nonchalant to myself. How pathetic is that? Very.

And when I am pulled out from pseudo-solitude, I am forced to face the horrors of living with my mother and two brothers with a little of the father that I don't like. The only bribe I get is shopping... and food. Lots of food. Ice cream, yogurt, fruits, ice cream, ice cream, pastries, and more ice cream. To compensate for all the food stuffing, I try to drown myself in water. Guess why I am eating a lot? Because I am not smoking.

I miss how it feels to smoke, and the pathetic little me resorts to second hand smoke coming out of my father's friends/colleagues when they have the get together at a friend's condo unit.

PERO!!! Hindi naman ako kating-kati mag-yosi, curiosity lang ulit. Enough na yung isang puff to satisfy my everyday curiosity of how it feels to smoke. Hahaha.

Oooh! I have also finished reading Mitch Albom's "For One More Day"!!! And I want my mom to read it. At least somehow maybe we'd get into trying to understand each other. And after reading about someone who recovered from a fucked up life, I finished "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey and it's also about a guy's life trying to recover in a rehab. Dealing with his 10 years of fucked up life, and deep rage which he calls "the Fury" against his parents who loved him so much, and somehow I can relate to him, his views, and how he is, except I am not as fucked up as him. And it kinda made want to fall in love more because of his story.

It's a memoir, so it really happened to the author but he added a little something to it, changed some characters to protect their identities. And while reading this book, I get distracted about how I am, and how we are(my parents and I), and how my future is, and my past.

My past... actually the events of this year flashes and haunts me at different times of the day, and sometimes, like this time, when I am alone(meaning Magic is busy with his PSP and TV) with my books and iPod, I let the pictures, and clips of the things I have done flash in front of me. And there are some things that I feel horrible I did them. But mostly I feel sad and remorseful.

I don't know if it's just an end of the year thing. Pero hindi rin eh, while I was reading A Million Little Pieces, and James was telling how much he loves Lilly(who, may I say, is a crackhead and pillpopper and a prostitute) and I remember how it was with Alex, and how he makes me feel, and how I felt. And I missed it. I wanted to feel like that again. sobraaa. I know patience is a virtue... which is a quality that quality-control missed.

sobraaang gusto ko ma-feel yun and so much more. at natatakot ako, kasi habang tumatagal, mas lalo akong nagiging idealistic about everything. about the guy, the relationship, and everything in between. anxiety is killing me!!!

and my looking at my old pictures, and my pictures now makes me feel ugly. and sometimes. no, not sometimes, most of the time I ask myself what's wrong with me. What the fuck is wrong with me???? And i stop because I don't want to answer it, because I will only feel worse if I tell myself the wrong things about me. Fishing na kung fishing, pero gusto ko yung totoo, I want to know why I am not looked at in that kind of way, and why on earth i find it freaking hard to give out genuine, self-less love.

Siguro masyado lang akong na romanticize ng mga librong pinagbababasa ko, but these stories, have to come from somewhere, it is both imagined and lived and experienced by someone. Diba?

I'mana lend you my "A million little pieces", it's super nice and I'm going to look for this book entitled Tao te ching by Lao-tze/Lao-tzu something like that and it's wow! In that book, Tao te ching, it says something about the way of life, and I like it. One of the things it says there is that "Don't compete nor compare. Just be yourself." And that's what I am trying to do, find myself, find who I am.

So far, all I know about me is that, I am open minded and empty minded that I get most of my ideals from watching TV and reading books. And I am totally in love with books.

(While writing this, I searched, the book in Encarta and this is what I found:

The essential Daoist philosophical and mystical beliefs can be found in the Daodejing (Tao-te Ching, Classic of the Way and Its Power) attributed to the historical figure Laozi (Lao-tzu, 570?-490? BC) and possibly compiled by followers as late as the 3rd century BC. Whereas Confucianism urged the individual to conform to the standards of an ideal social system, Daoism maintained that the individual should ignore the dictates of society and seek only to conform with the underlying pattern of the universe, the Dao (or Tao, meaning “way”), which can neither be described in words nor conceived in thought. To be in accord with Dao, one has to “do nothing” (wuwei)—that is, nothing strained, artificial, or unnatural. Through spontaneous compliance with the impulses of one's own essential nature and by emptying oneself of all doctrines and knowledge, one achieves unity with the Dao and derives from it a mystical power. This power enables one to transcend all mundane distinctions, even the distinction of life and death. At the sociopolitical level, the Daoists called for a return to primitive agrarian life.

© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.)

And I think I am switching to this belief, it's easy to digest, but kinda hard to do, but I think it is parallel with my goals of divergence from what society is trying to instill in us. And saying all this to you, talking about this, what I read, and what I like brings me closer to knowing myself, and hating myself.

I hate myself because I am forgetful. I tend to forget things, but remember them at the most inconvenient times. And it sucks that I wasn't able to watch the Death of Memory, because the story plays along in that kind of theme.

Here are the things I know about myself:

1) I know that I want to be happy and it's not the kind of happiness that I think my mother and father wants me to find. Or I believe that they perceive me to find happiness in material things. WHICH I DON'T THAT IS WHY I AM NOT LIKING DUBAI.

Dubai is a city, with vastness of sand dunes covered with buildings and amazing engineering and architecture. They have a floating bridge which amazes and intrigues me as how it works. Amazing things intrigues me. I want to know how it works.

2) I know that I want to know how things work, I don't really know why exactly, but I like to know how things work, like the microwave, the floating bridge, I like to know the mechanics and origin and reason of how and why things are. And I find joy in knowing and learning about it.

3) I know that I will always be tempted to buy knowing that it's cheap and good quality. And I am in love with ukay-ukays, sales, and outlets where you will find good brands with good qualities at the cheapest price.

4) I know that I have oral fixation though I am trying to believe that I don't have.

5) At this age, I believe that my mind is still malleable.

6) I know that I have a thirst for knowledge that is most often than not is deafeated by laziness in the means of lying down and television.

I am practicing reading my books in places where there are lots of distraction and challenge my will and concentration to finish the book. Hopefully this will help when I get back to school.

7) I know that I get carsick/motion sickness whenever butterflies or something of that sort is in my stomach. Like long winding roads which involves sudden breaks and velocity.

8) I know that I agree and believe in this:

Not exalting the worthy means the people do not envy;

Not prizing hard-to-get valuables means the people do not steal.

Not looking at that which creates desire makes the heart undisturbed.

-Laozi, Tao te ching

© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

and that this is what soceity is doing wrong. And I think this is what Tyler Durden believes in in Fight Club.

9) I know that I am easily affected by movies and the books I read and I tend to dramatize my life according to what I have watched/read and how I perceived the ideals it give.

10) I know that I will not truly believe in everything that Daoism says.

One may know the world without going out of doors.

One may see the Way of Heaven without looking through the windows.

The further one goes, the less one knows.

-you cannot make me stay in one place. I love to travel and I would like to see the world.

Learning builds daily accumulation, but the practice of Tao builds daily simplification. Simplify and simplify, until all contamination from relative, contradictory thinking is eliminated.

-it will be hard for me to turn my back to shopping and clothes, and shoes. especially if they're on sale.

© 1993-2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

I'll stop at 10 things for now. Feel ko sobrang haba na ng pinagsasasabi ko. But it helped me forget about missing the feeling I once felt with Alex, and the kilig feeling of him calling me a "farmeress" which is the most corniest and weirdest thing someone can call another person to make her feel kilig. But I did, I got kilig all high with love because of that, and for when he says good night, and when he would pretend not to be jealous when I am trying to make him jealous, and how I would hear his heartbeat, and his breathing. All those little things and simple "ily" and "i love you" and when he would play along with my corny jokes and weird lambings.

Telling you all those makes me feel it again, and it would feel real, and I am enveloped with nostalgia, no more regrets though. All memories of love that I recount brings nostalgia and not regret. Which I think is a good thing. It means, I am over everything.

2007 is a story of hair. The story of my hair. Recently ko lang narealize. :)) For every boy I liked/loved/or something close to it this year I change my hair when I am over and done with them.

When I cut my curls in March, I was over Alex. Then in April I cut my hair shorter after Zab. And then, I cut my side bangs shorter during sembreak after Charles, and then I cut my hair again like a 4-year old kid with bangs, after Bart.

(Jan. 20, 2008)

I was reading this again and realized it doesn’t have it’s good byes I must’ve been interrupted while doing this.

Well, I have been here for a month and after my mom and brothers left I hardly noticed it. And I am not really missing anyone now. I guess I am liking the solitude I have here and the fact that I am with my dad who just leaves me a couple of dirhams to spend when he’s out for work and I get to spend the whole day for myself and that the mall is just a few steps away. But it’s not that fun in a high end mall. Not much to buy unless you have a rich man’s credit card.

But I do get nostalgic when I see our pictures. And I did miss you guys when I saw the picture during the Christmas party. Well, honestly, I do think if I am part of the brood, you know? I am still confused… or something like that because I feel very comfortable and happy with you guys and I look it on pictures but it’s just weird that I don’t have friends like that from my school. And I feel sad about it. Not that I am not okay with you guys, but it’s just that it seems not right. I should have a new set of friends because it’s college. You guys have new sets of friends, I feel like I don’t. And once again, I don’t know what to do. Or guess, I don’t want to know what to do.

Oh well, it’s 1 am here. I gotta get some sleep.

With Love,

Kamote

December 16, 2007

i left my mom on the street when she wanted to go to the g-mart store across the street from the pierre cardin, guy laroche and ted something store. and i wanted to go to spinney's because that's where she initaially wanted to go. and that's the reason why she dragged my fat ass out of the house. yes, i'm calling our one-bedroom condominuim unit a house because it's a regular house here in dubai and villas are very expensive. villas are the house-looking houses that costs thousands of Dhs. but it was good, i got to buy Dhs25- sweaters at giordano and got to eat at this coffee something restaurant where i smelled beef mami.

i treated my mom beef mami which costs Dhs5 which is very cheap, if you don't convert it to peso. and the manager/waitress is pinay, ate weng. she told us about the filipinos here in dubai, how hard it is to work here that sometimes pinays are "kumakapit sa patalim" and "kumakabit" to filipino engineers or locals or indians because of the high cost of housing and the low wages. Well, it is high if you convert it but there's just little left to be sent home or little left for their selves. Usually they get paid Dhs1200 monthly and rent costs around 600 and their families in the Philippines demand for a lot. They live a hard life here. Unless you are an engineer or an interior designer which ate weng said is an in demand job here because of all the construction going on. Or that a really big company wants to hire you. but if you are just going to be a minimum wage worker, it's going to be hard. And not all gets lucky.

Speaking of lucky, there's this woman I met who must've pleased the gods because she's so lucky. She's going to Paris! She works here for a foreigner, I think, and the person she's working for is moving to Paris and she's stuck at the corner of our building's street trying to get to Forex. This was how we got to talking:

I crossed the street and then she asked: Kabayan?

I removed an ear phone from my ear and said: Huh?

She reapeated: Kabayan ka?

I stupidly gave her my confused look (because I kinda didn’t know what she meant by that which translates to: Filipino ka?) and replied: Opo.

So she started asking about where Forex was, and I passed it so I told her which area it is. We talked more about me, if I was working, where I live, where she's working, where she lives and where she's going. She's waiting for a taxi but when a taxi passed and didn't stop, I just helped her go to Forex. And she gave me this really warm smile, and it made my day.:)

I'm super happy I helped her. No joke. She's a small lady around 50 something I guess, and she looks fragile. She lives in Marikina. I have this thing for asking where Filipinos are originally from. I dunno, I guess it's just decent to ask where they are from. I don't know, I guess to start a conversation. But helping her, made me happy enough not to miss home that much.

Yes, I am missing home and it's just my second day. Somehow, there's a feeling of this not being a vacation, maybe because we are not staying at a hotel, or maybe because there's "RESIDENCE" written on my visa. Never the less, the only things distracting me are CSI and shopping.

eighteen more days before the plane leaves again.

December 15, 2007

10:30 am, Bur Dubai

4 hours late from Manila time. 5 hours since arrival. 14 hours after departure from Manila, from my friends, from parties, and family.

The flight was better than expected. From the friendly immigration lady, to cute little kids at the boarding area, to excellent movie picks at the airplane. I was amazed that they have STARDUST. Stardust! But it's a shame that I slept throughout the movie and until after that. I slept throughout the flight except during when food was served. And Emirates serve delectable food with variety. For the midnight snack they served sandwich with beef pastrami and cheese and a flan with macapuno that i paired with dried mangoes and delicious orange juice. I have a thing for orange juice now :)

But the trip was still bumpy even when we arrived because Vic is such a pain in the ass. Gawd I hate him!

My dad and his married friends tito Rey and tita Sheila picked us up at the airport and drove us to my dad's flat. (My dad doesn't have a car yet)

The airport wasn't that impressing as the one in Hong Kong but Dubai's architecture is totally amazing! Different shaped buildings, not the typical towering rectangles but they have curves, airplanes, triangles cylindrical shaped buildings! Wow!

So far it's good, it's sunny sunny:) a lot of Filipinos, and nice people, the down side for me is that books here are expensive because of the packaging, and that my dad doesn't have a car yet. and there's no channel 2 so I can't watch PBB and Maging Sino Ka Man! I'm liking it, my dad's flat's okay. quiet neighborhood. Oh well, that's it for now:)

This is just a short list of the things that I would definitely want to do in my lifetime. It's way far from what I really need to realize before I go back to school again because it is so not related to whatever it is that I am taking and what my parents want me to do(which is stick to the career I thought I wanted) and what I think I thought I wanted.

1) I want to write a piece of literature. Either be it a play, a tv series, a movie, a novel, a memoir, or an autobiography. For as long as it gets published or produced.

2) I want to make a film. Either to direct or produce it.

3) I want to surf.:D

4) I want to teach kids.

5) I want to work for the UN or some organizations that do relief works.

6) I want to love. LOVE. again. and again. and again.

And for the first time that I wanted something, I know exactly what to do to be able to achieve it. Except for number 6, along with that is a new list of what my dream guy is like. :D

It's kinda hard to believe what it means. Except i guess for the irresponsible part and that I do get into trouble most of the time. I highly doubt most of what this is.

What Marie Louise Kamille Means

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life. You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

--insecurities are kicking in.