worst i've had.
pictures might be uploaded soon. or I dunno. it's taking the rented computer forever to upload the pictures during the sand safari, and the christmas party.
it's not christmas here. i can't feel it. it's just cold. and it's not the kind of cold that makes you happy. it's the lonely cold. it's the sad cold that makes you feel alone, lonely, and isolated. i didn't want this kind of alone-ness. there's nothing solitary in this alone-ness of being here.
this year, there's no christmas. and it's sad that at the end of the roller coaster ride that is this year, it's going slow, sad-slow. nostlagic-slow. slow that makes you vomit. makes you sick. makes you want to jump. makes you hate the ride. makes you want it to stop. stop. stop.
you get off pale, sick, and vomitting.
It makes the ride not worth it. It makes you forget the highs, the fun parts, the butterflies in your stomach, the happy-screams of the ride. And you are just left with the sickening feeling that makes your sweat cold, your heart fast, your stomach more acidic and your world spinning. spinning. spinning. you want it to stop but it won't.
all you can do is hope you'll get used to it and not get sick anymore.
and I am hoping something beautiful, wonderful and fantastic this coming new year. so that next year will be my year. the year i'll clean up my mess, the year that i will be brave enough to face the mess i made, the year i'll start working my ass, the year that i will not be paralyzed by fear.
i hope. and i wish. and being sick of what has happened this christmas, I wish harder.