gising pa rin ako.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I am still awake. I only had 21 hours of sleep for four days.

This is what I meant when I get drunk and get hangovers for a week because I don't get to sleep.

I haven't had a decent sleep. Well, except today, when I slept for 18 hours but still not enough.

Hindi sa hindi ako makatuog. Glued lang ako sa inuupuan ko at parang ayoko matulog.












afte some thinking, i think imana try and sleep.

I woke up, and when I finally decided to check my phone for messages, I read this:

"Even if you do things the right way some would still be unsatisfied. Some will not appreciate what you say and what you do, and there would always be people who would let you down too...

But for as long as you speak from the heart, you'll be fine. This is not a perfect world. This is not a perfect life. Life is almost always unfair, but life loves the person who dares to live it."

and somehow, I needed to hear that. To somehow make myself believe that things are going to be okay.

yes, i am. when i don't actually lie-LIE, but still i get tired.

lying is very tiring. i omit things. but still, omission is lying. omission is betrayal. But then I guess, it's okay? I mean, we omit things so we wouldn't technically lie and still protect the people we care about.

Like not telling someone that somebody came home at 2 in the morning. (Well, not telling this would actually do me good in the future:D)

but then, as Elliot said(Scrubs), "Sometimes, protecting someone's feelings isn't the best way to go."

So I guess it would all come down to what would happen after. The omission, that is. Because lying is totally different. When somebody asks for the truth, we should give it.

Because once we lie, that person would find his/her way around to get to the truth, and we will just find ourselves in a web of lies waiting for the deadly spider to eat us alive.

I don't know what is up. My decisions are all whacked lately. And so were my actions. I really don't know what is fucking up, and it's not the fucking ceiling.

hostility is not my best side. Because I cannot be hostile; I don't want to be hostile. I am scared to hurt other people, intentionally. But then I heard this sunscreen thing from Mon's multiply and it said, "Do one thing you're scared of everyday." Or something of that level. So, if you find me hostile, it's that day.

I am not sure why I am still here. I am not sure why. Either way, I DON'T WANT TO. I REALLY DON'T.

I am trying to be careful. It's not that I am drunk and start babbling again, because even though I think I am half asleep I am still able to think.

this is non-sense. I think.

This is what I want:









I don't want to see you, and you and you together. Wait, that's not what I want, it's what I don't want.:|

Okay, for real...






PUTANG INA. I don't know what I want, all I can think of is

I don't want in.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want it anymore.
I don't want to feel bad because I am not suppose to feel bad, thinking that I was totally honest.

and I am not even sure if I don't really want them.

oh, there is one thing that I want:

I WANT TO LEAVE. Go somewhere far. ALONE. or with people I don't really get to be with much lately that I can talk to about anything and who wouldn't judge me, and would be okay to see me at my worst. And that I can have fun with no matter what we do.

yun. YUN ANG GUSTO KO. YUN LANG ang gusto ko at sigurado ako na gusto ko nga yun.



**totally random thought: I feel bad lately, and I snap easily, and smiles are temporary and I don't smile stupidly anymore. And what makes everything sadder is that thinking of him doesn't cheer me up anymore.:(


"I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind..."
-Boston, Augustana

I don't know how I did it, or how my teacher did it, BUT I DID!!!

hell yeah! I FUCKIN' PASSED ACCOUNTING!

--LM, I am giving you one more chance!

sad note: I need a car. I have a freaking 7:30 MWF class. I have a morning class! WHATTHEHELL?? I CAN'T DO MORNING CLASSES.:(

Right now, present time, you are stuck.

Stuck between the past and the future, both present at the same time.

The impossibility of it to happen proves that there is nothing impossible. Therefore getting out of the situation is also possible.

[This sucks. I lost my point.]

I watched this movie about high school kids resisting their principal's whacked way of running their school. They were struggling for change and freedom.

and because of my strong despise for my strong detestation for my mother and her conventional way of thinking(like the principal from the movie) lately, it made me think:

What was the Bill of Rights made for when society frowns upon the enactment and exercise of these rights?

How can we be free and accepted at the same time? (We cannot say that we don't care because acceptance is a psychological and biological need.)

How can we impose change when we, ourselves, are frightened by change?

You might think this is just a struggle between me and my mother. Probably, but my point is one should either be free or not.

Our brain may be complex but we are like babies startled and panic-stricken when there's a change in our environment. We can adjust to it after sometime, but being forever in the transition of change, being stuck in the struggle between freedom and imprisonment, is exhaisting, terrifying and most of all confusing.

It's either you are free or not. Man or gay. Woman or Lesbian. Allowed or not.

Being in between brings absolute confusement, which in one way or another destroys something.

And I think this is what's happening to our world, stuck in between of struggling oppositions. The weak are confused, the powerful are trying to overpower one another, and only the wise can make their way out.

and this is why i hate society.

**either you give her freedom or not. You do not walk her around on a leash, and then fool her into getting in a cage.

you do not let her taste something you cannot give.

this is unusual.

sheeeet. feeling ko bumabait na ko. hindi sa masama ako dati pero kasi iba. hindi na ko lumalabas ng bahay, and i choose not to go out. well, except for my wish to go to the beach, alone, ayoko lumabas.

i feel that i am becoming anti-social because i just don't feel like going out anymore. i am not that excited to see other people, and lately i'd rather be alone.

is there something wrong with me?

okay, medyo nainggit ako kay vic kasi uminom siya the other day na hindi siya umuwi sa bahay. pero nawala kagad at medyo tanggap ko na na octoberfest at hindi pa rin ako lumalabas kasama ng mga kaibigan ko.

hindi ko alam kung bakit wala akong gana. but i like it. i like being alone lately, and i don't feel lonely at all.

unusual of me.

i am not a morning person but I am BIG for breakfasts. I love a good breakfast.

and being awake (still) at five in the morning, and hungry, I am craving for this tapsilog across starbucks in tagaytay.

Right now, I just want to drive all the way there in my favorite jymjams, eat tapsilog, drink coffee while watching the sun rise as it touch the earth.

hmmmm:) i can imagine it.

and then, i'll have a good morining.:D

this is what Cristina said to be able to escape.

Disclaimer:
I know when i write/say this it doesn't mean that I would still feel or mean it when I wake up. And i had to make sure that this is fleeting, and this is temporary and transcient.

I so something today. It made me see you more different, and I knew that I still know you. I guess I hope I do. I want to know that person again, that person I knew before, that person I saw in the pictures. No. I don't want it. I'm just saying that I know you and I am happy that I really knew you, at least before. Before now. At least, I knew I had something. I want to understand. I want to understand why you have acted like that, why you are acting like this. And then, I can fully let go.

Let go of this little feeling of jealousy. I don't know where it came from. I wanted to feel what she felt, to see what she saw, to be what she was to you. Maybe because I am selfish and wants to be this special little girl for everybody. I want to see what other people cannot see. and I am sorry that because of my selfishness, my desire to be able to see what others cannot see, I said harsh words. I said things that I might not mean or would not really intend to say. I was mad, not anymore, and I forgive you.

okay, maybe i would still mean everyword i wrote. but i might also lack a sense of judgement because it's almost 5 am, and I am hungry. but i'm going to sleep all these over.

"I'm healed! I'm healed!" might be her way to make herself believe that she's okay, and that she's healed. Repeating it makes it sounds more real, makes it convincing. And in time, it will be real.

alam mo kung sino ka!

puwede ba?? hindi siya laruan okay? hindi siya laruan na pagkatapos pagsawaan ay ipamimigay mo. hindi talaga.

kaya tigilan mo. tigilan mo talaga.

akala ko crush lang kita, hindi pala.

akala ko okay na ako, hindi pa pala masyado.

akala mo maganda ka, hindi pala masyado.

akala mo naman magaling ka? tanong mo sila, hindi.

akala ko mabait ako, mean pala.

akala ko hindi okay na maging mean, ngayon okay lang.:))

akala mo mahal ka niya??? omay, iba mahal niya!

akala mo lalaki mahal mo? bading yan dude!

akala mo sexy damit mo, hindi.

akala mo mataba ka, oo nga.

akala mo friends tayo, akala ko rin.

akala mo mabait ka, akala mo lang yun.

akala mo mahal ko siya, pero ikaw pala talaga.

akala mo hot ka, oo tama ka!

akala mo hindi kita gusto, pero oo, gustong gusto kitaaa!:x

akala ko bading ka, hindi pala! shet! yummy!:))

akala ko papasa ko, hindi pala.

akala ko papagalitan ako, sana hindi.

akala ko sila, sila nga!

akala ko kayo na, hindi pa pala.

akala mo hindi pa ko okay, mali ka!:)

akala nila meron kayo, akala ko rin, at may guapo! yiheee!:D

off track:

we are soooo meant to be!!! hayyy...:x biruin mo kung tinuloy mo yung MBB, hindi tayo magkakakilala. well, hindi kita makikita. at eto yun eh, yun yung 1st choice ko sa UP. ibig sabihin ikaw first choice ko! (ANO RAW???? hahahaha shet sabaw) at eto yun eh, nung first year, may girl friend ka pero nung naging classmates tayo single ka, single rin ako!:D tapos parehas tayong 20:D tapos... sheeet kinikilig ako:x

alam ko hindi mo to mababasa, pero sorry nung araw na natamaan kita ng bola. hindi ko sinasadya yun. hindi talaga kasi hindi kita crush nung araw na yun. kaya nga dedma eh. pero wag ka magalala, hindi na kita dededmahin.:D

-----

akala ko hindi mo ko mahal, sana mali akala ko.

:))

1st reaction: seryosooo???

1st reaction to the 1st reaction: :(

2nd reaction: siya??

2nd reaction to the 2nd reaction: punyeta ha. ampanget naman ng babae na yun.

over all reaction: stunned.

over all reaction to the overall reaction: what the hell, fatuous love! i can't believe i am deeply infatuated with someone who doesn't even know i exist.

lechugas! kelan pa ko nahiya?? kelan??? andiyan na sa harap ko, ipapakilala na't lahat lahat na-chicken pa ko! (hindi kaya dahil nasa chinky chickens kami nun?)

"It is only courage on the path itself that makes the path appear."

ayan tuloy... wala kaming path to walk on together:(

no more chickens for me.

i wanna know if i have been completely a teenager.

[x] Held hands with someone.
[x] Lost someone.
[x] Never got a chance to tell someone something important.
[x] Cried your heart out.
[x] Danced.
Total so far: 5

[x] Rejected someone.
[x] Been called a slut.
[ ] Heard a rumor about yourself.
[x] Hurt someone emotionally.
[x] Hurt someone physically.
Total so far: 9

[x] Got involved in a sport.
[ ] Been called a dork.
[x] Fell in love.
[x] Went to a funeral.
[x]Know someone who has tried to kill their self.
[x] Know someone who has died from drinking.
Total so far: 14

[x] Wrote a love note
[x] Went through a phase.
[x] Got ditched.
[x] Know someone really stupid and/or annoying.
[x] Got in a fist fight with family member/not a friend
Total so far: 19

[x] Made a mistake.
[x] Thought you found the one.
[x] Been dumped.
[x] Lied to your parents.
Total so far: 23

[x] Felt like dying.
[x] Had a crush.
[x] Been lied to.
[x] Felt like the happiest person in the world.
[x] Told the person you liked, that you liked them.
Total so far: 28

[x] Prayed.
[x] Texted in class.
[x] Drank alcohol.
[x] Had more than one crush at a time.
[x] Disliked someone.
Total so far: 33

Final Total: 33

Multiply by three;
Done!
This is how much of a teenager you are.

Going away even for just 2 days did me something good.

I feel lighter. And things are better.:) maybe because i did things that i truly love/d.

Jedyne and I went to Kim's house and my mom with her friends drove us all the way to tagaytay just to make sure that's where I am going. Laugh trip, road trip.

when we got to Kim's house, we decided to watch stardust in SM dasma:D

fun. fun jeep ride. good conversations. a not crowded mall. cheap movie tickets. a friendly ticket tearer. an almost empty theater. a really really enchanting film.

:: watching stardust made me believe in the magic of dreaming and loving again. it gave back that little space in my heart for the little things that i used to find joy in. the littlest, absurd and unreal things that i think of that makes my heart jump for joy. laughing and watching it with friends who share the same perception of the magical world with you makes the whole experience memorable.

"We are all children of the universe-- stardust brought to life."

it made me believe that i am really a star. ::

getting back happy from a fantastic film, we ate dinner, talked more, and ended up getting full. we went out for a walk because we were full and i wanted some. after buying, we ended up eating more in kim's room and talking a lot about random ideas and opinions. we then went to tagaytay with tita emillie.

:: i am not a big fan of starbucks, but it's coffee and I LOVE COFFEE, so we went there. (well, just the blend of bitter-sweet and creamy taste of coffee that keeps you warm specially when it's really cold.) plus it has a nice view that was a vastness of black last night.

mababaw akong tao, gusto ko lang ng view, kape(kahit ano, masaya na ko sa nescafe 3-1), at tao na magandang kausap(hindi kailangang maganda yung tao, basta ayos kausap.)

i sat at a fence staring up at the stars, and i was memesmerized by them. i feel like they were smiling down at me, and at that moment, i was happy. i was at peace. and i was ready for anything. i just sat there, staring, smiling, listening, pondering. at that moment (even though i was freezing), i felt so at peace, so serene, and somehow i felt like i was flying.

until, my friend texted. we left after eating at some tapsilog place. more good conversations with kim's mom. and i think i looked stupid with my head out looking up, getting high from looking at the sky lit up with starssssss. with the wind on my hair, relaxing driving music playing, and the empty highway, i super wished i could drive. ..a convertible. :)) ::

late nights. life conversations, good book, good music, good friends... good morning.

::at some point during the night/early morning, i read my book again and reading it put more conviction to my beliefs, opinions and world view. here are some excerpts that moved me:

"every gesture made by a human being is sacred and full of consequences, and that makes me thnk even more about what I am doing."

"you are the only person responsible for your choice, so be quite sure about what you are doing."

--thus, when in doubt, don't. but sometimes i tend to forget/ignore.

"obsession will not help you in the search for your goal." --i used to obsess, but not anymore.:)

these are my favorite lines in Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" which is quoted in the book:

'Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

"Even when a friend does something you do not like, he continues to be your friend."

and when I read this, i just cried:
"the greatness of God always reveals itself in the simple things."

and i just felt grateful for the blessing that i can see and appreciate the little things in my life.

"what makes life interesting are the challenges we face"
"we managed to survive with a few grazed knees and a few traumas."
"Often what we call 'experience' is merely the sum of our defeats."
~thus now, i am thankful for the 'drama' that i was complaining about for the past days. without it life wouldn't be colorful.


"It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing." ~that is why I always, always get what I want.




"Only the following items should be considered to be grave faults: not respecting another's rights; allowing oneself to be paralysed by fear; feeling guilty; believing that one does not deserve the good or ill that happens in one's life; being a coward."


and as i forgive myself for the mess i made in my life, i forgive you. For the things you said and didn't say and the things you did and didn't do, I forgive you.


**Excerpts from Paulo Coelho's Like the Flowing River

forgive me if i seem distant.

forgive me if i am silent.

forgive me if i go away.

forgive me if i run away.

forgive me if i am quiet.

forgive me if i am gone.


i'm just tired of the drama.
i've had enough for the past 10 months to last me another year.
i just don't want the drama.

.
..





. .




..

.

this is what i do when i can't do anything about something anymore: i write.

i write and i write 'til i make sense of everything or until nothing is making sense anymore. whichever comes first.

i have nothing else to do with the raging bull inside me. ...napagod na lang sa kahihintay ng red cloth.

well, i guess i am tired. i am tired of getting mad. i am tired of fuming everytime i hear something someone did that is just so insensitive and inhuman.

yes, inhuman. though the world has failed in showing me how beautiful and wonderful humans are, i still believe that even though humans do a lot of stupid things they are not evil and they are not capable of deliberately hurting someone. until i got a little older. until i got to see more of the world.

please, please, please! don't take my innocence. please, i don't want my picture of humans to be tainted and completely destroyed.

i don't want to hate anymore. i don't want not to care, either.

random thought:
why is it that loving too much is frowned upon by society? and being a "martyr" is not encouraged at all? why is it implied to not care about other people who doesn't care about you? must it all be a reciprocated kind of thing?

society is contradicting itself.

despite these, we are thought to be compassionate, we are thought that we should not ask anything in return when we give, and we are thought to love and give our heart when loving.

i guess, those who end up being saints are those who break free from society. they are given that title by society to make up for the persecution that killed them.



okay, naalala ko lang ang mga nangyari, at i don't want to care because i don't want to get hurt. i don't want to be vulnerable and helpless. but i fear i might go numb, and cold, and more fucked up than i already am. I want to get mad, but that would just make me feel bad.


i have never experienced being totally mad at someone that i know.

this is hopeless

ISANG MALAKING HATE ENTRY LANG 'TO KAYA KUNG MASAYA KA, WAG MO NG BASAHIN.


KAMUSTA NAMAN ANG HAPPY THOUGHTS KO FOR TODAY??? NAGLAHONG PARANG BULA.

MASAYA LANG KASAMA BLOCKMATES AND FRIENDS AND THE FACT THAT INAKBAYAN AKO NI SIR ABU!

BUT NO!!! NAGLAHO LAHAT AT NAGPAKA RETROACTIVE ANG KALECHEHAN NG ARAW NA ITO.

GOOD MORNING SA GOOD MORNING ANG BOSES NG NANAY KO.
AT MAS GOOD MORNING SA GOOD MORNING ANG BALITA NI JANICA.

WHAT THE HELL>??????? HINDI BA ENOUGH YUNG GINAWA MO AT KAILANGAN MO PANG IKUWENTO LAHAT LAHAT LAHAT SA EX MO????????

PUNYETA KA! HINDI KO NGA SINASABI SA IBANG TAO YUN TAPOS IKAW SASABIHIN MO?????? LECHE!

WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME? A PATHETIC SLUT?? ANG KAPAL NAMAN NG MUKHA MO! BAGAY SAYO PANGALAN MO. YOU ARE SUCH A DICK.

AT PARA IKUWENTO MO LAHAT LAHAT LAHAT???? PUTANGINA OKAY NA NA YOU DON'T CARE EH, I'M FINE WITH THAT, AND I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING THAT I DID DO SOMETHING WRONG AND IT WAS MY FAULT. BUT THEN ALL THE HATE CAME IN AGAIN, JUST LIKE THAT. BECAUSE YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE CAN'T KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT.

AT PUWEDE BA???? PALITAN MO NAMAN YUNG PICTURE MO SA FRIENDSTER??? HINDI MO NA KAILANGAN IPAMUKHA NI CRINOP MO NA KO SA BUHAY MO. OKAY? HAVE SOME DECENCY.

OH I FORGOT, FRIENDS PA LANG TAYO YUN NA YUNG PICTURE MO. WHAT A FRIEND.

NANGGAGALAITI TALAGA KO SA GALIT KO SAYO. PARANG NUNG NAGALIT AKO DUN SA NAGTEXT SA FRIEND KO KANINA.

SICK BASTARD WHO DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO IN HIS PATHETIC LITTLE LIFE BUT TO RUIN OTHER PEOPLE'S REPUTATION.

GAWD!!!!!

KUNG MABASA MO 'TO, I KNOW YOU'LL TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO. YOU DON'T EVEN GET THE POINT SO DON'T TRY JUSTIFYING YOUR ACTIONS.

WAG KA LANG SASAMA SA BARKADA KO, OKAY?

WALA NG CIVIL CIVIL. PUNYETA KA.

ISANG MALAKING HATE ENTRY LANG 'TO KAYA KUNG MASAYA KA, WAG MO NG BASAHIN.


KAMUSTA NAMAN ANG HAPPY THOUGHTS KO FOR TODAY??? NAGLAHONG PARANG BULA.

MASAYA LANG KASAMA BLOCKMATES AND FRIENDS AND THE FACT THAT INAKBAYAN AKO NI SIR ABU!

BUT NO!!! NAGLAHO LAHAT AT NAGPAKA RETROACTIVE ANG KALECHEHAN NG ARAW NA ITO.

GOOD MORNING SA GOOD MORNING ANG BOSES NG NANAY KO.
AT MAS GOOD MORNING SA GOOD MORNING ANG BALITA NI JANICA.

WHAT THE HELL>??????? HINDI BA ENOUGH YUNG GINAWA MO AT KAILANGAN MO PANG IKUWENTO LAHAT LAHAT LAHAT SA EX MO????????

PUNYETA KA! HINDI KO NGA SINASABI SA IBANG TAO YUN TAPOS IKAW SASABIHIN MO?????? LECHE!

WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME? A PATHETIC SLUT?? ANG KAPAL NAMAN NG MUKHA MO! BAGAY SAYO PANGALAN MO. YOU ARE SUCH A DICK.

AT PARA IKUWENTO MO LAHAT LAHAT LAHAT???? PUTANGINA OKAY NA NA YOU DON'T CARE EH, I'M FINE WITH THAT, AND I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING THAT I DID DO SOMETHING WRONG AND IT WAS MY FAULT. BUT THEN ALL THE HATE CAME IN AGAIN, JUST LIKE THAT. BECAUSE YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE CAN'T KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT.

AT PUWEDE BA???? PALITAN MO NAMAN YUNG PICTURE MO SA FRIENDSTER??? HINDI MO NA KAILANGAN IPAMUKHA NI CRINOP MO NA KO SA BUHAY MO. OKAY? HAVE SOME DECENCY.

OH I FORGOT, FRIENDS PA LANG TAYO YUN NA YUNG PICTURE MO. WHAT A FRIEND.

NANGGAGALAITI TALAGA KO SA GALIT KO SAYO. PARANG NUNG NAGALIT AKO DUN SA NAGTEXT SA FRIEND KO KANINA.

SICK BASTARD WHO DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO IN HIS PATHETIC LITTLE LIFE BUT TO RUIN OTHER PEOPLE'S REPUTATION.

GAWD!!!!!

KUNG MABASA MO 'TO, I KNOW YOU'LL TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO. YOU DON'T EVEN GET THE POINT SO DON'T TRY JUSTIFYING YOUR ACTIONS.

WAG KA LANG SASAMA SA BARKADA KO, OKAY?

WALA NG CIVIL CIVIL. PUNYETA KA.

love is not really the root of all evil.

sex is.

sex is the root of all evil. people lie, cheat, deceive, harass, blackmail, harm, kill, steal and other evil things just to get laid.

it's sick. super sick.

i want to blame all these to the hormones.

freaking hormones. i'm sad because of you. because of all of you!

i'm not sure though id it's my hormones, it's just the first week of october. it can't be mine.

gawd. i really hate whoremones.

"you are not replaceable, allie."
this is what allie's dad said to her when they were discussing allie's trip to europe with friends. and it's also the title of the episode i'm watching that just made me cry.(newport harbor)

i dunno, it's probably just the hormones. but seemingly dad-themed episodes ng series na napanuod ko today. and i cried.:/

well, it's just the sweetest thing to say: "you are not replaceable."

i pity those who doesn't have a dad or at least have a relationship with their dad. dad's are just the sweetest thing:D i mean they can be really difficult to deal with, imposing curfews and being overprotective at times, but their dads. it's their job to be like that. if they weren't like that to their daughters, they'd be... i dunno, not dads?

but you know, even though their very difficult, their easier to talk to than mothers when it comes to rational stuff. like, if you want something and your mom said "NO!" dads are the ones to talk moms into giving in, or sometimes talk some sense into you.

what am i saying, right? i mean i have been with numerous fights with my dad ever since i was born. yes, we've been fighting since i learned how to react. but you know, i like it when my dad and i fight(well after the fight/disagreement), because he always, ALWAYS, makes the first move. and always, ALWAYS, makes it up. he always, ALWAYS, try to understand me even if i don't understand me. wel, not always, but most often than not. pero kasi i don't really make the first move, pero hindi ako matiis ng tatay ko.

maybe that's why i am so ideal with boyfriends. because i have always been (well) taken care of by the men in my life. my dad, my uncles, my cousins... maybe that's why i super hate it when some stupid jerk doesn't treat me well.

~unfamiliarity brings discomfort. and not being treated well is unfamiliar.

obvious ba na hindi pa ko natutulog? i decided not to sleep because i fear of not waking up later.

i have a question, why do people laugh at misfortunes? why do we laugh at sarcastic remarks? why do we laugh at embarrassing situations? why do we laugh at things that aren't even funny at all?

are we really laughing when we laugh at those sentiments? or are we laughing to make ourselves laugh even more?

for the longest time, it has been and will be the center of our universe. not you.

so stop competing to be the center of the universe. there are a lot of people competing too, you know? and besides, the sun will never let you win.

because like you, the sun is self-centered. like you, all it cares about is itself, it doesn't even revolve around other planets, everything needs to revolve around it. and it doesn't care if there are planets getting cold because it can't reach out.

the sun is more like, "if you need me, come closer, i won't be doing that for you. i'm too important."

you have been shining for the longest time now, just like the sun. but one day, you'll explode and all those close to you will be destroyed. lucky for those who managed to stay away, they'll survive and one day find their star who'll share its light with them. and maybe make them their own star.

i can tell if something's bothering me even if i don't know what it is with my sleeping habits.

sometimes, i don't sleep, well because i have a lot to do and i'm cramming.
and when i sleep long hours, it means that i'm cathing up.

but sometimes, i don't like to sleep because i am scared of not waking up. yes, there are times that i try to keep my eyes wide open because i know that i might not wake up. it's stupid, but that's how i do it.

and sometimes, i sleep because i'm scared of being awake. i am scared of the world out there, so i hide by sleeping. i sleep fearing of what will happen when i wake up. i sleep because i don't want to know what's going to happen when i wake up. i sleep because i don't want to see what's going on in my world.

but i know i am more fucked up if i don't know what to do. to sleep or not to sleep. but then i end being awake for a long time deciding if i want to sleep or not and when i finally get to sleep, it'll be a long wait for me to wake up.

i'm fucked up if i don't know if i want to sleep or not because i am scared of what will happen if i sleep, and i am also scared of what i might do if i am awake. and i am stuck in a limbo of being half-awake, half-asleep, take your pick. because if i ever get to do one thing, i'll be half of everything. :(

sabi ng mga sharks kay marlin sa finding nemo.

i'd like to be in denial about a lot of things in my life until i am reasy to confront them.

and maybe if i deny them long enough, it'll be repressed and soon be forgotten like it never existed.

i like it that way. easier. ayoko talaga ng confrontations. confrontations make me smoke a pack straight, makes me feel like crap, and most of all my whole world stops while the earth continues to move. all in all i dig my own grave when i confront myself and all the problems and shitty things that bothers me.

if i don't live in semi-denial/semi-repression i will develop GAD(general anxiety disorder) and then fall into a state of depression and probably become anti-social.

exag, but what if? my god, good thing there are such things as defense mechanisms or else i'll be all that. hahaha.

yes, laugh. laugh until you can't laugh anymore. laugh until you're actually laughing at yourself for laughing, and then it would sound real to your ears. and then maybe, you would stop pretending.

i find it hard to differentiate if i am pretending or if i am in denial. maybe be both. pretending not to care is my way of denying that i care. if i really do care, get what i mean? but you know, i don't care. really, i don't.

i don't give a fuck about it. i don't give a damn about you, and what you do. I DON'T CARE.

okay, maybe i care? but who can tell? i mean, if i can't how can you? i will show the whole world that they will believe what i am making myself believe. and then, everything will be true.:)

then i won't have to confront myself, and i will not be swimming in the nile.:D

1) home is where you should relax after a tiring and stressful day like today, where you line up for more than an hour to get your exam permit and be late for your first finals and go home late from accounting exam, that you should feel relieved that it's all over. but no! you go home and think, "shet, dapat hindi na lang ako umuwi." because your mom instead of asking how your day was and sympathize with you would give you a long sermon on how to save.

2)i am tired of talking about money matters. and it's my mom's favorite topic:my impulsive spending and inability to save. [excuse me! i save! hindi lang halata kasi i always spend it on something i want. i mean, that's the point of saving right? to buy what you want?]

3)i don't like the food. i go home to eat a lot for free, but then our food is recycled for 3-4 meals. hanggat hindi nauubos, yun at yun pa rin. and it's sad that i always get the left overs for breakfast, since i am the last to go to school.

4)i am tired of seeing the same faces, the same tv shows, and same everything.

5)i don't like being nagged.

6)nakakastress ang pagse-sermon ng nanay ko.

7)nagsasawa na ko sa boses ng nanay ko.

8)gusto ko ng tahimik.

9)nakakapagod maguilty.

10)walang matinong kausap.



don't get me wrong. i like staying home, it's just that when your tired, and you expect things and they don't turn out how you would want it to be, can be really frustrating. and you end up not wanting to go home.

freaky! i was watching desperate housewives with kim when suddenly there's this voice outside our window calling, "kuya! kuya!" sheeeet!!! freaky talaga.

well, we felt guilty about not helping the person outside. it's just that it's super scary. gawd, it was 12 midnight and some stranger comes knocking at your window calling out in such a creepy manner. and fear really gets the best of me. when i get scared, i freeze and run. run as fast as i can and hide in this little space inside of my head where i feel safe and invincible. and i just run and run and run and try not to look back.

i don't like being scared. because i don't get to do things when i am scared. but it's hard not to get scared. oh how i wish i have my own "George" or "Will"(Will and Grace) or "Nathan" or a "Stephen". But I really want to have my own "George" to hold my hand when I am scared and try to look brave for me.

okay. i'm blogging trying to rack my brain for ideas on what topic to write about for sci10!!! gawd! well, what will i reflect upon? how freaking technology affects population and pollution and that somehow, science is not just the only solution to all our problems? in fact, it's a source of more problems. it's like science solves one problem but creates two more related problems but are more complicated than the first one, and then it would be a never ending problem until we die, from the problems we create. an example would be birth control pills. i mean, why need birth controls? well, because people want to have sex but don't want to have babies. did we have birth controls before? no. well, i'm not sure, maybe there is because lambskin condoms are available in our market and i just thinks it's a very primitive tool. but then again, there were no birth contol pills nor injectables available then, but the earth wasn't overpopulated. unlike today, we already have different birth control methods, but still we are so overpopulated. we all have a lot of things to do to keep ourselves busy, but still, we end up having more sex than needed and most of the time unprotected.

i wonder, how our ancestors been able to control population at that time.

it's probably because they die early. or i dunno, they don't have technology to give them life support.

okay, my thoughts got stuck because kim read this, and she wrote a paper about this and that's the paper she's going to pass, and i am left wringing my mind for sensible thoughts for the freaking sci10 paper. !!!!!!!!!!!

since i "lost" my buwan at baril paper, i'm not going to pass any na lang. i'm too lazy to write anything.:(

i know this is disturbing. but who cares? he's cute and he plays football:D hmmmm...

so here was how our conversation went: (name's changed:D)

Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:25:25 PM): MARIAAANOOOO!!!
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:25:32 PM): ay...
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:25:35 PM):
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:25:47 PM): w-h-a-t-?
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:25:48 PM):
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:25:51 PM): how're you?
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:25:59 PM): are you going to vic's birthday?
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:26:10 PM): i am good lucy/kamille/louis
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:26:12 PM):
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:26:19 PM): call me lucy
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:26:22 PM): uhm.yeah.bedroom daw diba
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:26:35 PM): haha.ok.call me anything but mariano
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:26:40 PM): oh you wanna go to the bedroom now, huh?
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:26:44 PM):
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:26:51 PM): no.dun sa bday ni chicken
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:26:52 PM):
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:28:04 PM): talaga? sabi niya eastwood lang eh
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:28:10 PM): i didn't know sa bedroom
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:28:14 PM): with blowjobs
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:28:27 PM): YEAH!!! acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:28:35 PM): we had nga nung bday ni jango eh Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:28:37 PM): so you like blowjobs? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:28:46 PM): sarap nuh? with the fire and all acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:28:49 PM): hell yeah! acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:29:04 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:29:59 PM): so kamusta naman now that you are 18 years old.
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:30:10 PM): oh looking for a new boy Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:30:11 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:30:38 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:30:44 PM): hmmm...im a boy! acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:30:47 PM): kiddin Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:32:19 PM): i know, you're a boy Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:32:22 PM): Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:32:34 PM): unless you're gay? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:34:10 PM): si vic yun eh
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:34:48 PM): ah so you're not gay? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:34:52 PM): good Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:34:54 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:35:02 PM): i know. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:35:06 PM): so oct 10 Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:35:23 PM): i have finals Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:35:29 PM): i think Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:35:32 PM): what time? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:35:44 PM): ano ba sabi ni vic? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:36:01 PM): 13. kapag 13 wala ako. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:36:28 PM): may surprise party friend ko tapos out of town with blockmates
Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:36:33 PM): gusto mo sumama? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:36:37 PM): sige ba. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:36:47 PM): odi 12 Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:38:27 PM): can't 12 i have law finals 13 Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:38:34 PM): i can pala ng 10. or 11 Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:38:39 PM): but not 12 and 13 acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:38:39 PM): oh acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:38:52 PM): okay.hm.this sat nalang! Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:38:58 PM): don't you have other pics? yung hindi ka mukhang bata? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:38:58 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:39:26 PM): Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:41:28 PM): this sat, i have make up class acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:41:39 PM): haha.grabe.loaded sched. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:41:45 PM): ohkay mahilig ka sa grad pics ah? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:42:03 PM): i know. hell week eh. tapos finals na next week, tapos wala na
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:42:21 PM): medyo lang. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:42:32 PM): sige.odi pag tapos na lahat Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:42:34 PM): one month vacation, baby! Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:42:40 PM): sure acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:42:50 PM): haha.labas tayo Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:42:57 PM): are you asking me out? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:43:40 PM): hmmm.haha.uhhh...sige b Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:44:37 PM): joke ba yan? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:44:49 PM): hehe.gulat ka noh
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:44:51 PM): Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:45:07 PM): hindi acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:45:22 PM): ok. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:45:22 PM): bakit? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:45:23 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:45:25 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:45:35 PM): wala.kal ko parang.waht?!?! acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:45:38 PM): Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:45:48 PM): sorey. i'm not ordinary acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:46:11 PM): ohhh...so dun nagmana si vic. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:46:26 PM): joke lang.hehea Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:46:27 PM): uhhh... what's that suppose to mean? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:46:30 PM): peace. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:47:23 PM): i'm not like vic okay Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:47:25 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:47:45 PM): yeah.vic is wierd. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:48:10 PM): like how weird? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:48:28 PM): hmmm...andyan si vic noh. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:49:24 PM): vic is my bestfriend! Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:50:09 PM): wala Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:51:01 PM): tulog na si vic, he's sick eh. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:51:12 PM): ooh, i'm tutoring kids this sembreak. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:51:15 PM): *might acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:51:15 PM): weh?onga pala.umuubo siya kanina Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:51:16 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:51:24 PM): pano?? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:51:27 PM): yup. he's sick. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:51:35 PM): anong pano? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:51:55 PM): expert guides wanted me eh. eh i need money to save up for my tatoo acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:52:10 PM): weh??? astig.tatoo ah.) where?
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:52:15 PM): ano papalagay mo Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:52:16 PM): *tattoo Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:52:30 PM): tinkerbell upper right shoulder acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:52:38 PM): hahaha.nice Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:53:21 PM): and one sa lowerback na upsTAger acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:53:58 PM): weh. nice.ako nga gusto ko rin eh.kaso papatayin ako ni mommy Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:54:13 PM): oh i won't let my parents know acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:54:31 PM): haha.bad yun acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:54:33 PM): joke acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:54:34 PM): Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:54:37 PM): i won't let anyone from my family know about it Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:54:45 PM): so DON'T TELL VIC! acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:54:50 PM): i won't Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:55:03 PM): good Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:55:15 PM): mabuti na na nagkakaintindihan tayo acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:55:40 PM): opo. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:56:24 PM): dude i'm not that old acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:56:38 PM): onga. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:57:00 PM): yung line lang na yun. "nagkakaintindihan" Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:57:54 PM): parang matanda nuh? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:57:54 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:58:23 PM): di.nakakaintimidate. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:58:35 PM): am i intimidating? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:58:49 PM): no.that line.ok nvm. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 10:59:23 PM): sorry acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 10:59:34 PM): hehe.no .sorry din.hehe Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:00:22 PM): okay Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:00:26 PM): so how is you? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:00:51 PM): me is good. how about the you? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:01:13 PM): oh the you is pissed off, but trying to be okay acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:01:32 PM): huh? kelan yung dp mo?
acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:01:51 PM): im not pissed off. Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:02:11 PM): anong dp? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:02:17 PM): display pic acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:02:31 PM): nagbraces ka pala.hehe Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:02:50 PM): ah that day i woke up drinking a glass of tequila that i thought of as milk acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:03:09 PM): weh? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:03:27 PM): oo Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:03:34 PM): morning ng grad praactice acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:03:37 PM): hahaha.nice. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:03:56 PM): so ano nangyari sa grad prac niyo nun? acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:03:57 PM): Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:04:19 PM): ewan. hindi na ko nakapasok. hanggang labas lang ng gate. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:04:27 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:06:03 PM): hey.g2g.dad's here na.haha.goodnight.tc.ttyl. acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:06:04 PM): Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:06:12 PM): what's ttyl? Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:06:21 PM): ok Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:06:27 PM): goodnight acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:06:32 PM): talk to you later Lucy Vicente (10/4/2007 11:06:41 PM): oh okay acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:06:43 PM): acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:06:43 PM): ok acha Achacoso (10/4/2007 11:06:45 PM): night okay. tinatamad na ko palitan yung name at i-edit. :)) watching desperate housewives with my new housemate, kim:)) eating pringles and chocolates:D instead of doing homework:))

i hate not knowing what to say.

i hate not knowing what to write.

i hate not knowing when the time calls for me to know something-- like now!!! i need to know what to write for my waaay over due fil paper and sci10 paper!!!

and i definitely do what i want. at ngayon, gusto ko lang magblog ng magblog ng magblog. at magisip ng kung anu-ano sakaling may maisip ako isulat para sa reflection paper ko sa sci10.

i don't want to care. i will stop caring. pero siyempre, hindi ko kaya. i am not that mean to to not care. i cannot not care.

sana mean na lang ako para wala akong nararamdaman ngayon. at sana hindi mahirap. kasi mean people don't really care about what they do. mean people are worse than people who have psychological disorders. or maybe they have psych disorder. but whatever. mean people do things and not care about the outcome. they don't care if they hurt other people or that they destroy something. they just don't care! putang ina. i don't want to care.

not caring about anything, is easier. it's easier to deal with the world. you don't have to be responsible of anything and guilt and shame wouldn't eat you alive.

mas okay yung manhid ka. you don't get to feel anything. syempre hindi mo masasabi na mas makulay ang mundo kapag masaya ka o kaya naman okay na malungkot o masarap magalit. hindi mo malalaman yun, manhid ka nga eh. you don't feel anything.

lying is a skill. it takes a really good actor to lie straight to someone's face. i guess i am not a good actor. what a shame, i'm in theater pa naman. i can't lie for shit. well, i guess, acting is different from lying. no, you don't have to be a good liar to be a good actor. because when you act in theater it has to look truthful, that's why you have to be in character. maybe, a good liar has DID. he shifts into different characters when you confront him that's why it's truthful.

sana ganun nga yung dahilan kung bakit nagsisinungaling ang mga tao diba? kasi may DID sila. mas madaling intindhin yung ganun. pero hindi eh, DID is a very rare disorder. kaya mahirap intindihin. lalo na kapag you don't deserve to be lied to. mapapatanong ka talaga ng "BAKIIIIIT??" i don't lie. i omit things, but i don't lie. for as long as you are not asking the right and specific question, i can still hide something. pero kapag tinanong na ko ng "right specific question" wala na. i can't lie for shit. i just can't. pero bakit?

i'm a nice person. yes, I AM A NICE PERSON. just because i like having fun in a not so conservative way does not make me a bad person. yun kasi perception ng ibang tao eh, people who drink and smoke and do the things that i do, are uneducated, irresponsible, inconsiderate kids who don't have souls. or at least that's how i read the disapproving looks they give. hindi porket i go around doing things that i want, i am not a good person anymore. I HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS. i do:) pero well, who would believe, right?

okaaay. hate and anger makes you don't want to care. it makes you to really not care. at wala na talaga akong pakialam. putangina talaga. i can continue not caring, i have a lot of things to fuel this anger to keep me not caring.

hindi ako nanghihinayang sa mawawala. kasi wala namang mawawala eh. marami pa naman akong kaibigan na mas "kaibigan" pa kesa sa'yo. na mas tao pa kesa sa'yo. you're not irreplaceable.

watch and learn;)

that was what Lucy told George when George didn't keep his promise of keeping the community center and George was telling Lucy that his company donates millions of dollars to her charities. (Two Weeks Notice) What a stupid, selfish, insensitive, pathetic defense line.

Lies, lies, lies. We are in this pool of lies. "stupid lying slut"-J9

arrow heads, arrows, lines, lies, and we are all tangled in it. i swear, our story would win an emmy. :))

i rememberred Frank's "masterpiece" shet, lahat 'yun nasa barkada natin? woah! woah talaga. everybody almost liked everybody. if you look at it, all you would see are lines in circles. labo diba? :))

i met with J9 and Bart in Mcdo today. Yes, the three of us. how funny na kami yung magkakasama. dwelling in the pain that lies brought in our lives. the irony of it all.;)

music pacifies people. it's like it expresses what we feel so i'm sharing lines that j9 and i listened to since we were played by fucking slutty players who are lying bastards.

"You held my hand and walked me home, I know
Why you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away, yeah
You held my hand and walked me home, I know
Why you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away, yeah
Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop, thought I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset
Get out of my head get off of my bed yeah thats what I said
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away
This guilt trip that you put me on won't, mess me up I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away
Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway" -Don't Tell Me, Avril Lavigne

"Every thing that ive been doin is all bad
I got a chick on the side wit a crib and a ride
Ive telling you so many lies aint nothing good its all bad
And I just wanna confess cause its been goin on so long
Girl I been doin you so wrong and I want you to know that
Every thing that ive been doin is all bad
I got a chick on the side wit a crib and a ride
Ive telling you so many lies aint nothing good its all bad
And I just wanna confess cause its been goin on so long
Girl I been doin you so wrong and I want you to know" - COnfessions Part I, Usher

"Baby listen to me
I've got something to say
I have finally realized
That i'm wasting my life away
You've made so many promises
That's all you ever do
So now tonight i'm leaving
And i won't come back to you
Well, it doesn't really matter
What you have to say
Cuz' you know it won't bring us back
Won't bring back yesterday

Cuz' i'm not crying for you
No, no, no
I'm not crying for you tonight
So please listen when i say
That there's no way that i will stay
And know that
I'm not crying for you

Should've known that
Things would have turned out this way
Should've listened
To all the things my friends would say
How could you say you loved me?
Well, i know that wasn't true
You were never thinking of me
Cuz' you were too much in love with you" - I'm Not Crying For You, Save Ferris

"So let me on down
'Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know...
It's just too little too late
a little too wrong
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real
It doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)
I was young
And in love
I gave you everything
But it wasn't enough
And now you wanna communicate (You know it's just too little too late)
Go find someone else
Im letting you go
I'm loving myself
You got a problem
But don't come asking me for help
I can love with all of my heart, baby
I know I have so much to give (I have so much to give)
With a player like you I don't have a prayer
That's no way to live" -Too Little Too Late, Jojo

"One night and one more time,
Thanks for the memories,
even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time,
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"!" -Thanks for the Memories, Fall Out Boy

"Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor,
and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words:
"What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter.
"And yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore." -I Write Sins Not Tragedies, Panic at the Disco --gusto lang namin sabihin na siya ay whore. :))

"You make me feel like a star, oh baby
You say stay, baby stay
Just the way you are
And tell me girl, you’re fine
And you will shine
Forever in my heart
That’s why you, yeah you
You make me feel like a star." -You Make Me Feel Like A Star, The Beau Sisters

~gusto lang namin ni j9 yung song:D

okay. sooo yun dumating si phimi at frank tapos nagpunta kami sa bahay ko. tapos nanuod ako, si j9 at bart ng two weeks notice. pinili ni bart kasi daw, "I crush Hugh Grant!" and J9 and I can't choose between how to lose and two weeks notice. tapos yun, nagtimpla lang si bart at super fun watching with my girls:D

some lines that we laughed at/loved:

"You're the most selfish being in the planet!" -Lucy to George

"Everyhting is NOT about you!" -yung friend ni Lucy sinabi sa asawa niya.

"All men are pawns when it comes to women." -the funny guy that drives george around to George.

oh and "SO THAT JUSTIFIES THE LYING?"

today is one hellufa day. it's still a continuation of yesterday since i had no sleep studying for psych and deal with shit that has happened.

i went to UP today to write jedil's birthday letter and give it to kitten. and to see kitten:) cathy and i got to talk today. at kamusta naman? chain. chain. chain. i was still super mad. and cathy said it wasn't my fault. kahit na feeling ko that it's my fault.

i'm sorry okay? pero i dunno if the friendship is still there. i am tired of you treating me like shit. ano ako? condom??? na pagkatapos kitang pagtakpan, at protectahan, eh itatapon mo na lang ako? sobrang sakit na dahil lang sa nawala siya sa'yo magagalit ka sakin. when it wouldn't have happened if you didn't lie. what does that imply? i mean you not telling me all about your thing going on. that means she's just like those other girls you flirted with. i know you like her. i know. pero with what has happened i don't know if your lying or not. gusto pa rin kitang tulungan alam mo yun? pero kasi... sobrang pagod na ko. kaya sorry. at sorry kung madami akong nasabi kanina at napalakas at medyo narinig ng lahat ng tao sa steps. pero kasi sobrang naiinis ako sa'yo.

alam ko mataas ang pride mo at ayaw mo ng kinaawaan ka. pero naaawa ako sa'yo. kasi you lost your cool man. natanga. first time! natanga ka. hindi pa nangyayari yun. pero sobrang wala akong sympathy sa'yo ngayon kasi you deserve it.

i am not mean. i am just mad. and frustrated and frustration may lead to one of two things: aggression or depression. and mine kinda went into the aggression side. first time talaga ko magalit ng ganito. sobrang chain talaga ko kanina at sobrang nanginginig ako. at ang mas nakakainis dun napaka NR mo na ngayon. sobrang napaisip ako kung kaibigan mo ba talaga ko eh. o ginagamit mo lang ako.

i have a question, where you thinking of her at that time? all those times we were together?

gawd. i hate you! at least she had the decency to tell me about it. and at least she didn't lie to me the way you did. to think that you and i have been friends longer than we were friends.

okay. enough. no point for this, because i don't want to care. ikaw na yung nagpaalam eh, so malamang hindi na tayo friends. kaya hindi na kailangan pang itolerate ang mga insensitive and selfish behavior mo.

thank God i have friends who convinced me that it wasn't my fault. Friends who actually made me realize that i shouldn't be treated like shit. and friends who treat as a real friend.

once again, music and a little conversations with my bitches and daryl pacified me for sometime. but i just couldn't stop lighting stick after stick.

it means that something else is bothering me. must be the psych exam today. i wasn't feeling well. i vomitted my breakfast and just ate little pieces of chocolate to keep me up and functioning. my head started to feel numb. movement makes me dizzy and i just felt like vomitting. oh yes, i vomitted before my psych exam. and i don't really vomit, unless i'm really really drunk.

something's wrong and at this point i don't want to deal with it. i am so frustrated about a lot of things. especially my grades. but you know, i don't want to talk about my failure because i am not prepared to confront myself.

i want to stop breathing and feel totally helpless. iwant the world to stop and wait for me to catch up.

once again, music and friends pacified me. at least for this time being. fun semi-road trip with mmk going to cobs' house. i actually ate my dinner without vomitting it.:) and i finished all 20 sticks today.

so far, that was how my day was. and i am continuing yesterday today. i have a lot to do. and hopefully this will keep me occupied and take me far from breaking down. working makes you avoid self-confrontation, it avoids unwanted feelings, it helps you avoid depression.

after this. i shall fly:)

"es-ka-pe. Funny, it spells just like the word escape." -Dory

i need escape. the sweet escape or the great escape. whichever is available. i just need to go far far away where i can leave my world and survey it from the outside and try to make sense of the mess i did.

oh Father Dear, i need your resources for my escape.

yes, escape. not a break nor a vacation. i want to run away from my life. i want to run away from my responsibilities. i need to run away, and not feel anything. to feel safe in the sanity of a different world. a world that's sooo different that i too would be different.

a temporary change wouldn't hurt.

i need to know. i need to know what i want. what's causing my behavior. i need this cognitive dissonance to be reduced to a manageable size that will keep me functioning.

i write to rationalize. i rationalize to justify my actions. i need this to keep myself sane. sanity in this insane world is now out of my hands. and the more i move the more the earth pulls me down to my doom. but i cannot not move. if i stop moving the world will leave me behind.

you see, i am not making sense. even when i close my eyes, i can't find the peace i need to keep me totally sane and pacified. this means i have not only fucked up my surrounding but also this little space i made for myself in my mind to rest in when everything else is in chaos.

putangina kasi. ayoko na talaga. sawang sawa na talaga ko. napapagod na ko. 3 in one year?? what the hell?? what the hell talaga. it's physically and emotionally tiring!

life, what do you want from me? haven't i been faithful to you? haven't i been good? yes, there are times i would think of something really mean(well, funny-kind-of-mean) but i don't really do it. you see, i'm scared of getting hurt. that's why i don't intentionally hurt someone, because i know that karma gets back too fast for me to even think about it. but why??? why do i still have to endure all these shit? I'M TIRED! I'M TIRED OF THIS NEVER ENDING CYCLE!

i'm tired of saying sorry. i'm tired of blaming myself. it wasn't just my fault. you had a choice too, you know? i'm tired. i'm tired. really really tired. i am not blaming everything on you. i didn't blame anything. i'm just mad at the fact that you kept me in the dark and because of that shit happened. when in the first place i demanded to know.

stupid stupid mouth. stupid talaga.

i don't know why i'm like this right now. i don't know what i even feel. and i fucking hate not knowing!!!

i've said it before, and i'm saying it again, you frustrate me.

"Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight"
-the great escape

"If I could escape I would but,
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

I want to get away, to our sweet escape
I want to get away, yeah

You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground
So baby, times get a little crazy
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me
I can see that you're angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me, wanna take you with me"
-Sweet Escape

i hate not knowing because i do stupid things.

i hate not knowing because i say stupid things.

i hate not knowing because i look stupid.

i hate not knowing things which i should've known so that accidents and mistakes would be avoided, and prevented.

i hate not knowing things that i have the right to know.

and i hate the fact that i should've known about it, and i have asked you ten thousand times about it, and you lied straight to my face. now tell me, is it my fault that i thought wrong? is it my fault that because of my ignorance i committed a LOT of mistakes?

i am furiously mad. not because of the romantic shit going on with me for you. it's because you of all people should know me. and i guess, i made a mistake of expecting a lot from you. expecting that you really know me. that you know how my twisted mind functions. how i go about coping with life. and that you would actually tell me important stuff. well, i guess i am just overly disappointed, because unfortunately, after almost 6 years of friendship, you still don't know me. to think that i never lied to you, except for today, and i have always shared everything with you. is it wrong for me to expect that you would do the same?

andaming mali ngayon, at hindi ko naiintindihan. wala akong naiintindihan sa kung bakit nangyayari lahat ng ito sa buhay ko, ngayon at hell week.

i hate not knowing the things that i want to know. it's just like me not getting what i want. and i always, ALWAYS, get what I want.

''I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice.''

LUCYstar
stardust came to life
student.dreamer.shopper.discoverer.reader


.life with me. friends.

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