accept it, swim in your misery for a couple of days, and when you think that your skin is wrinkled, get up and dry yourself.
it's okay to love, it proves that you're human. it's okay to get hurt, it means you're still human.
but remember this:
"Love like grief fades, and is replaced by something MORE EXCITING."- the Beach
even though now, you feel like there's no more hope for you to be happy again, it's not true. HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. Like living, you have to choose to live. you have to choose to be happy.
everything in this world is a matter of choice. you just have to choose wisely.:) and choosing to love yourself is the best option.:D
oh, and if you're sad and you want to be happy, stay away from alcohol. Alcohol is an antagonist which blocks the serotonin activity. and lack of serotonin leaves you depressed.
and lastly, FORGIVE YOURSELF. forgiving the person who hurt you is easy;) but trust me, you'll move on easier if you have forgiven yourself.:)
emo entry ahead.
BEWARE: slut crossing. oh, i think they like that. no need for the beware sign.
putanginang coping mechanisms yan. putangina talaga. maybe i have some psychological disorder. i mean, people who have psych disorder are behaving abnormally because their behavior does not fit the situation.
My behaviors never seem to fit the perfect situation. palaging delayed or too soon or akala ko ginagawa ko na hindi pa pala, na-stuck yung action sa utak ko pero frozen yung katawan ko.
i am a mix of everything right now, i'm on the verge of vomitting everything out.
When you go on a drinking spree, and you feel wasted, they tell you to vomit. "Isuka mo na yan, para okay na. Pilitin mo." But I don't like vomitting. I don't like the taste, I don't like the feeling, I don't like how it looks, how it smells, and it gives this sour taste, it leaves your throat scratchy and dry, and it leaves your stomach empty. it leaves you empty. and you're gonna sleep anyway. but then they'll say, atleast you won't have hangover.
oh, you know, with me hangovers last for more than the morning after. it lasts for a week. ganun katagal. well, exag pero minsan ganun, kasi pinipilit ko gumising kahit sobrang sakit sa ulo, i am awake, and it takes a long time bago ako makabawi ng tulog. so, i end up with a headache for more than a week.
one day, my body will colapse along with my heart.
oh yeah, i lost my heart somewhere. maybe that's why i don't know what i feel for him now. it's a mix of hormones and neurotransmitters overreacting everytime i see him, i smell his scent(which is super bango!), and everytime that i am reminded of him.
somewhere in my surroundings i can sense or probably hear(?) that what i want is not a good idea, but the stubborn me wants it.
egoEGOEGO. no. i don't think it's the ego. it's more of the ID. oh yes, pleasure principle. it's a pleasure to have him around. looking at you.
putangina... my love life is a terrible cycle of rebounding. oh i think i am good in rebounds, i scored 4 points yesterday!:) and we won! yesyesyes!:D
oh yes, my love life is a terrible terrible cycle of mistakes. it's not an exact same thing of the previous one. it's more of, i like him, we flirt, he doesn't like me, i go look for a kapalit, and the cycle repeats.
oh yes, it's been like that. i like a guy, i go after him, another guy comes along, i ignore guy number2, it doesn't work out with guy#1, ill give guy #2 a chance or get a guy#3, and then it'll be the same thing again, and if i get the guy, i push him away, and go for a new guy, and then the previous guy would leave, and then i'll run after him and then we'll end it, and i'll look for comfort from another guy.
wtf. this is superduper sick. i must be sick. putangina naman.
BEWARE: troubled mental patient.
wasted time, wil never come back. i wasted time, waiting for you.
damn. i should've done my paper instead of waiting.
i hate waiting.
it's 2 am of the day after yesterday. so kung baga, eto na yung tomorrow ko. hinhintay ko na lang ang pagsikat ng araw, at pag alis ng tatay ko para maconfirm na eto nga yung tomorrow na hinihintay ko.
i'm waiting for today, na tomorrow ng yesterday, because as annie said, "the sun will come out tomorrow. bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun." at umaasa ako na sa pagsikat ng araw ay hindi na ko maging istupid girl.
oh yes, stupid in all senses. akala ko all this time single na single ako. yun pala may gusto ko sa isang tao at lahat ng ginawa ko ay mere acts of defense. na sobrang walang kuwenta kasi nag back fire lahat ng gunshots ko. kaya ako ngayon ay nagiisip.
at siyempre since nafeel ko kung gano kagrabe ang katangahang nagawa ko, singad sagad ko na. sinabi ko sa kaniya lahat lahat lahat lahat. oh yes, maraming lahat kasi hindi lang pala yun ngayon lang. we go waaaaay back. way way back. even before everything happened. well, actually that is where it all started, and every thing pretty much is a cycle.
i'll like him, i'll flirt, and then he'll be his self, and then i'll tell him, he'll react in a negative way, i'll take it back, i'll repress it until i can no longer deny. and then it goes back again.
i know you'll be reading this, don't worry. hindi kita ilalaglag.
hindi pa ito tapos. kasi hihintayin ko pa reaction mo sa lahat ng sinabi ko. sobrang haba, at alam ko tamad ka, pero sana basahin mo. isang napakahabang offline message. pero kung hindi mo mabasa, nagsave ako ng copy. for reference.
kaya ako tumawag talaga kasi gusto ko yun sabihin sayo lahat, para tapos na. para kapag pinikit ko ang aking mga mata at natulog, makakalimutan ko na lahat lahat lahat. at sa pagsikat ni haring araw kasamang sisikat ang bagong pananaw na hindi pala talaga kita mahal. o kaya.... woah okay. hindi kita mahal. gusto lang kita. gustung-gusto.
see?? kung nagusap tayo eh di sana tapos na to. bukas okay na ko. eh hindi eh
please naman!!! i'm hanging in mid-air paki kuha naman ako at pakibaba, i'm kinda afraid of heights. ibaba mo lang ako, okay na na iwanan mo ko basta ibaba mo lang ako sa thin wire that i'm hanging on for my dear life. i don't want to fall okay? masakit. you should know, you've seen me fall and you've seen me hurt. kaya please? don't leave me hanging? ikaw rin naman ang iiyakan ko kapag nangyari yun eh, and i know you're tired of my whines. so please?
thank you, love.
i am not a puppet. i am attached to no strings. i am attached to no one.
as i have said before, from attachment comes love.
and it's a stupid thing to say, "no strings attached." but then again, you can be both single, but either way, i'll get attached.
stupid stupid me.
i'm supposed to be a year older, a year wiser. but how come i still don't know what i want?
no, i know what i want. it just seems that i don't because they are contradicting.
I want to be single, have fun, and live the life of a party. I want him to enjoy his single life, he needs it after a break-up of a tiring relationship. But, i want him. I want him for myself. and i am not so sure of the reason. Is it the comfortability and security he gives? Is it just the benefits? Is it just because he's there, and I can't find anyone who's more fitting?
and now I feel guilty. These are my reasons, and he is hesitant because he respects me, he respects our friendship. and i am on a rampage to kill it.
"One last time, no strings attached, come on."
and then, i woke up attached to him. Is it because he's my friend? or is it because I feel like his, knowing, hoping that there's something deeper than what hapened.
it's not just it. there's something more? yes, it's a question mark we both have to answer.
might as well stay as friends. but can we leave the benefits?:D
i dunno if it's the hormones or i'm just overly on the extremes lately.
super sad ng friends kanina:( awwww... rooosss... he has this super kawawa face that either makes you laugh so hard or super sad. well, kanina's sad.
isang MALAKING reklamo ko today: potangena may sakit parin ako! pagod na kong kumahol. masakit na lalamunan ko, ulo ko, likod, dibdib at abdomen ko!
isang malaking reklamo ko sa sarili ko: hindi ko pa rin nagagawa yung english paper ko. potangena F na to. at eto yun eh, hindi ako sigurado sa gusto kong gawin. kung magd-drop na lang ako, hahayaan ko na lang na ma-F ako at umulit, o ipapasa ko pa rin. potangena!!!
i am scared. but i don't want to be scared anymore.
Sept. 20, 2007
I spent today differently. And I am happy:)
One big difference is that I did not lock myself at home. And i didn't have any plan not to go to school. Or it's because that I have a Long Test scheduled today? but anyway, the point is I went to school and I had no plans of cutting any class, well, except for PE because I am still sick!
God was good today, though my parents didn't greet me at all and my dad left me, it's okay. The fil test was relatively easy, i was able to remember all the lectures i attended. and then, no psych.
I decided to go home, because I was still palpitating from the medicine i took. but the sun was up, and i didn't feel like going home. so... I watched a movie instead:D
oh yes, I decided to watch a movie alone, again:D since I couldn't pick what movie I wanted to watch, i told the ticket girl that i'll buy the ticket of the movie with the time slot that i don't have to wait. which was underdog. well, i still don't have a sense of time so... there.
the movie was okay... typical superhero movie. i didn't enjoy it that much, since i am not a superhero fan.
i went home eating ice cream. i walked to the terminal feeling happy. must be the music. (kim: na feel ko na yung feeling na nasa sitcom ka, tapos yung kanta yun yung soundtrack, tapos mukha kang tanga kasi nasa world ka na ng sarili mo). tapos i kept smiling at people, i just feel like smiling:D
i was out to see the world today. i would stop and watch if i find something interesting. and then i walked around. flipping coins for direction:D I asked an old lady what she thinks my age is, and she got it right, i treated her to the squid balls she's selling. :) and i was full from eating i gave my squid balls to some random kid i passed by.
i was sooo happy today. super different from the other day-same date that i had.
plus, i was able to see my little babies today!!!:) they're all grown up:D well not really. they're still little. haha
i guess, it's a sign that i am out of that transition phase of being too much of a drama queen.
homay! 7 years ago, same day, sept. 20, i had asthma attack- i had asthma attack after 7 years. and now, i have asthma on the same day. and in between those 7 years- 01-06, i would spend the same days, alone, locked up at home like it was valentine's day.
but now, I DIDN'T! I AM SO HAPPY!:D
documentation
here's our task... Intro
Sino ang nagsulat?
Kasaysayan ng akda at kahulugan ng Urbana at Feliza
Kasaysayan ng Anyo ng Akda
-Urbana at Feliza bilang protonobela (ano ibig sabihin nito?)
- Pagsapit at simula ng anyo ng nobela sa ating bayan
-isakonteksto ang pagpasok ng Urbana at Feliza sa kasaysayan?
-ilarawan ang anyo ng nobela
-paano ito natatangi at naiiba sa ibang anyo, gaya ng tula, o dula
it's not just hell week. pota, i'm in hell!!!
sa lahat ng magandang timing, ngayon pa talaga umatake lahat ng sakit ko! good job! I'm struggling from migraines every now and then bibisita pa ang common colds na naging asthma! good job man!
as if cramming a psych project, an english term paper, accounting exam, and fil group report in just a weekend is not the worst of times. i just had to get sick on the same weekend!
pota talaga!
at to make things worse, my mom's freaking laptop is going berserk at lahat ng nagawa ko for psych ay nabura!!!!
kung akin lang tong laptop, at hindi sa mom ko, nabato ko na to sa bintana. tapos mababasag yung window, mags-splatter yung glass, tapos a shard of glass will stab my heart and i'll die along with this laptop, dying under the rain.
GOD!!!! help me know what I want. what I really want so that I can focus.
it's friday and i feel shitty.
1) I feel shitty because my throat hurts, my eyes are heavy, and my nose is running!
2) i feel shitty because I think I am sick and I have to finish my Pscyh project.
3) I remember that I also have to finish my term paper for english, which was due last last monday.
4) There's an accounting long test to "look forward" to.
5) We have group report for Fil this Tuesday, and I haven't talked to my groupmates about it!
6) I want to sleep but I can't!
7) I have Law class tomorrow. and NSTP after. then J9's party in the evening(not that i'm not happy about it, i'm just not happy about lack of time)
8) my head is starting to hurt.
9) i can smell smoke from downstairs, and I can't.
10) i feel drowsy when i drank no-drowse medicine!
flu strikes back! i don't know if it's because of the weather or because of something else. but i think it's just because of the weather.
went to the doctor today. freaking asthma! it's coming out of my skin instead:( but i still have to have my eyes or head checked again. my headaches are killing me!!! i woke up today thinking why the freaking tv is broken! turns out my eyes are waaay malabo na.:(
so anway, i went with my parents to the doctor and while we were stuck in traffic in edsa i was doing my psych project. Freaky!!!
I wrote nov. 6, 2002, 5 years ago I was preparing for my death. Yes, death. Death has been the topic of choice I want to talk about lately, and sex—well just how people get overly dramatic and sensitive about it. And I said 5 years ago that I want my journals and everything I have written to be read when I die.
And that’s what I have been doing. Subconsciously, I got tamad to have a theme or some letters to the world that I decided to just compile all my entries starting high school.
I know, I am back to being obsessed with meanings. That’s why I just found it freaky. Am I going to die?? Well, yeah, I will, eventually. But this soon? Cool. I think I am being preapared to die.:D
Okay, I am not that happy about it. I realized I still want to do a lot of things. Or am I just scared to find out what’s out there. What’s really out there. How can people have faith when they are near death? When there are a lot of religions out there. How can people who preach say there’s a heaven, there’s life after death. Eh hindi pa nga sila namamatay eh! At! Kahit na namatay sila, they don’t come back to actually confirm that there’s a heaven. What id there’s none? What if when you die, you just die. What if we don’t have souls???
Putangina. Nahihilo na ko.
And still after all this, I close my book along with my eyes and wished I get hit by a car and die.
but then again, i know i'm not gonna die.
something like that. basta yung when you write things you'll get to remember 'em.
so isusulat ko yung mga feelings ko sa teatro at sa mga dula.
theater never fails to amaze me, to wow me, to have me leaving the theater with such admiration.
everytime, i watch a play, sobrang stunned ako after. kasi iba yung feeling eh, lalo na kapag magaling yung cast, kahit hindi real yung setting, and you know it's all performance, yung truthfulness ng emotions, at yung pagtransport ng emotions from character to audience, yun yung amazing!
ewan ko ha, pero mas gusto ko talaga ang teatro kesa film.
----tinatamad na ako:(
i need to write a paper for Fil!!! and I can't remember the things that I have to write about!
KNOW WHY???
kasi, potangena, ikaw naalala ko!!!! gawd!!!
iniisip ko kung nanuod ba talaga ko kasi hindi ko maalala. pero alam ko maganda. maganda talaga, at hot yung isang aktor. pero hot ka rin eh.:))
mali!!!! this can't be!!!
lesson learned: never watch a play or a movie with you unless i have a real boy in my life.
nakakainis!!! nakakainis talaga!!!!
kailangan marefresh ang utak ko at mareplay ko yung play para makagawa ako ng maayos na paper.
according to someone(basta sa santrock na gen psych book) divided attention will cause a person to distort memory and there's a good chance that you will have a hard time retrieving memory.
in my case, i can remember everything except what the story of what we watched. i can remember our whispering, i can remember that feeling of jealousy when you told me that the girl beside you was pretty, i can remember how your touch feels, i can remember how we held hands, i can remember you saying "ang galing niya", i can remember how i agreed. potashet! naalala ko lahat except yung details ng play!!!!
now, i don't know who "your" is addressed to. when i said, "this is all your fault", was I talking to myself or to you?
Alam mo kasi, hindi ka pa mamatay. In my opinion, death is a choice. Kahit na feeling mo gustung-gusto mo na mamatay, as long as hindi ka pa namamatay, ibig sabihin in your heart of hearts, gusto mo pang mabuhay. malamang, kasi buhay ka pa.
kaya huwag ka ng umangal. kasalanan mo rin naman. :p
eh kasi hindi ka nag basa kaagad, akala mo madali lang gumawa ng paper. ayan tuloy, nagkasabay sabay yung mga kailangan mong ipasa. tapos hindi ka nanaman nag a-accounting, paano mo sasagutan yung homework? aber??
tapos, ayan ka nanaman, feeling mo madali lang yung sci 10 long test, tapos hindi ka pa pala nags-sign up, eh paano ka mag e-exam???
tapos, sige, i-cram mo yung psych homework mo. akala mo nanaman madali lang. HUWAG KA NGANG MEDIOCRE! kaya kung ako sa'yo, eh sisimulan ko ng tapusin yung psych project. okay??
tapos na prod ng tabakada. tapos na pagod, at ang nakakatamad na pag akyat baba sa 3rd floor. pero!! wag mong gawing excuse yun kaya ka napagod. okay?? hindi ka lang talaga sanay mag-aral. kaya kung ako sa'yo magp-pacondition na ko sa pag-aaral. kailangan high endurance at quality grades!
huwag mo nang isiping mamatay ka dahil sa mga patong-patong na dapat mong gawin KASI HINDI KA MAMATAY! asa ka pa. kahit x10 pa yang kailangan mong gawin, hindi ka pa rin mamatay. kasi, deep inside of you, nach-challenge ka at gusto mo yung feeling pagkatapos mong ipasa lahat ng requirements mo tapos mataas pa grade mo. kaya huwag ka ng umasa. at huwag ka na ring magreklamo sa ini-impose na dress code for everyone, kasi kailangan mo naman talagang magdress code. at alam kong magrereklamo ka sa pag-close ng mga smockets, malay mo kaya tatanggalin ang smockets ay papayagan ng mag yosi everywhere? haha. pinapaasa lang kita, mag quit ka na kasi hindi ka rin naman papatayin ng pagyoyosi mo eh.
my mid-term paper is due 830 am tomorrow. and guess what? i haven't even finished reading the books i intended to read to be able to write my paper.
Sharms(my english teacher) wants 5 books, two articles, and one survey/interview in my biblio. and i only have 5 books.
gawd!!! bakit kasi 830 am class ko?? wait, wrong question, bakit ba kasi ang mantika ko matulog? at for the past month antakaw takaw ko sa tulog. madikit lang ako sa unan, nakakatulog na ko.
shet. isang malaking shet talaga! yung paper ko ang nakasulat lang pangalan ko at pangalan ni sharms at date and section ko. at eto yun eh, hindi pa ko sigurado kung 5 pages ng lang talaga yung pinapa-pass niya.
well, kaya ko magsulat ng hinihingi niya paper, kung hindi lang ngayon. at kung hindi kami umalis ng pamilya ko. at kung nagising lang ako ng maaga nuong nakaraang mga araw.
goodness! i can argue, it's just that my mind always tend to sleep and go to outer space wandering.
ayoko na ng ganitong state! kailangan ng mag-aral! at medyon hindi ako sanay gumawa ng paper ng may araw kaya late ako natutulog pero, hindi na kinakaya ng mata at katawan ko:( napaka unproductive ko tuloy:(
i need inspiration!!! or at least persuasion. whichever comes first.