Sunday, March 18, 2007 @7:53 AM
i have said sometime before that it's okay. no it was actually my goal to be a virgin slut.
but! now that i feel like i am a slut, i don't think i want to be one. gawd. this sucks.
maybe, because this time i am me. i am not some character i made up or played a role in. because no matter what i tell myself, it was real. wtf. i contradict what i told everybody. that it was nothing. because it wasn't nothing. it would be totally fine, if it was just "that" but no. it wasn't there were undefined and undescribable emotions that were attached to what happened. that sucks. emotions are the reason people cling to each other. it is the reason why people have to choose, so that everything would be clear and in black and white. because if it doesn't have a name, it doesn't exist. and now i see what my fil 12 teacher meant with "ang hanggahan ng wika ko ang hanggahan ng mundo ko" or something like that that he quoted from some philosopher with a european name. and what i felt then was more than liking LIKE but not love. because i don't want to be in love. but in the middle of the week i thought i was falling. but it was too complicated for me to do the freaking free fall, and good thing i didn't.
shet. somebody stole my special kiss. that special kiss i am saving for someone equally special.
yes, i am hating you. you stole my thimble. just because you knew that you are the materialization of my realization, you took advantage of it and stole my thimble! just because you think you are peter pan and you knew how i always wanted to fly and go to neverland, you made me your wendy. when in fact you wanted to be with tinkerbell all along. you made it look that you never meant to take advantage of me by making sure i wasn't drunk at all. why? what for? so that you wouldn't have any guilt on your part?
gawd. if i continue being emotional, i will just make things worse. i hate being emotional. excuse me, this must be PMS.
the rational thing to do is forget about it. because it already happened, no whining will change what happened. no bitterness will bring him back and make him choose youl. you said it yourself, he likes her more than he likes you. or rather he loves her but he likes you. and love is a ton more than like. you know that. you have no name in his life, therefore you are nothing. as you always are. so quit it.
but still, even if i do the rational thing, the feeling of being a slut won't go away. maybe that's what i am. a virgin slut. gawd! i am so fucked up.
Labels: black and white, conrete, hate, love, PMS, rationality