Tuesday, February 06, 2007 @8:25 PM
feb. 4, 2007
sometime before the sun goes down
i wouldn't know the time because i don't want to know the time. even if i have to, i just don't want to. and this is me being me. stubborn, selfish, lazy and pathetically stupid.
it's harder to get over one's self. i realized i am over him. but i am not over myself. i am so not over myself. i am not very good at accepting... admitting that i am wrong. i usually have someone else to blame my mess to. but now, i have only me, my stubborness and aggressiveness to blame. my irrationality and stubborness brought me to this big mess that i lead myself into. it's like the black widow somehow got stupid and trapped herself into her own web. but in reality, black widows don't make that mistake. only humans do, because their brains are too complex that they think they can make rational decisions by over analyzing and then they would do another thing. but maybe i am just that. i would think this, but do that instead.
that is my problem. i have lots of problem. and now, that i have chicken pox i actually had time to think over my actions, my thoughts and my feelings.
i don't know me.
theory: People who are starving for attention get themselves lost in translation. they get lost touch of who they are. they try to be liked by everyone and with this desperate need of being accepeted and being the center of everybody's attention, they do hillariously, pitiful, stupid things to get noticed. and more often than not, they exaggerate things. they put so much drama into their lives. and sometimes they do things that they are not really them.
in my pathetic revenge of rebelling, i somehow don't know if i am still me. in most cases my belief is parallel to that of my parents, but since i am so irritated with them i go against these beliefs. and now everything they say, i wanna do the opposite. Well, not really.
i don't know. i am totally not in the state to have a relationship, to have friends, to have a life right now. i need to figure out what I believe in. i somehow still know who i am. but i never get to really define myself in the beginning. my parents made me into who i am right now and it sucks that they don't fucking like who i am, when they are the fucking reason why i am like this.
fuck it. i don't want to charge my phone to run away from the world. and definitely not answer the freaking phone. but if it's my mother who's been calling me, i will be dead.
gawd. i wanna be dead. right now.
and maybe i don' t want to know who i am.
Labels: more of the mental state