Tuesday, February 06, 2007 @8:28 PM
feb. 7, 2007
8 am
i wish i didn't know how to love. so that i won't ever have to say "i love you" and then take it back when that person causes me great anger. without love, we wouldn't have to hate anyone. without love, people wouldn't be going around doing stupid things. without love, we wouldn't be able to love ourselves. there wouldn't be any selfishness, greed, and pride.
love is an evil thing. i don't know why people connect generosity with love. generosity, it's when you give something "out of the goodness of your heart" when really you're just giving it away because you don't love that thing.;p
there's this pillow that you have ever since you were a kid and you LOVE it to pieces, are you willing to give it away?
you have a pet that you fell in LOVE with at the petshop, you got it, and there's this kid who also wants it are you willing to give your beloved pet away?
you can give it away, give it to the "needy" but it is not out of the goodness of your heart. it's human nature to hold on to the thing they love and it will never be generosity that gives the thing away. it's pity, or sometimes when they really have to give up their LOVE they ended up holding grudges, being BITTER, and HATING that person who took their love away.
the point is, without love we can all be generous. we can give away everything, because we don't love.
love is an overrated thing. there are many faces and one of its face might one day stab you at the back and kill you.
like in May Day Eve, they saw love in all its beauty and splendor and when they fell into the trap that is marriage, they saw the ugliness of love.
how pitiful. they grew old being bitter and cursing that mystical May Day Eve that they were both bewitched by cupid.
Labels: don't fucking read
@8:25 PM
feb. 4, 2007
sometime before the sun goes down
i wouldn't know the time because i don't want to know the time. even if i have to, i just don't want to. and this is me being me. stubborn, selfish, lazy and pathetically stupid.
it's harder to get over one's self. i realized i am over him. but i am not over myself. i am so not over myself. i am not very good at accepting... admitting that i am wrong. i usually have someone else to blame my mess to. but now, i have only me, my stubborness and aggressiveness to blame. my irrationality and stubborness brought me to this big mess that i lead myself into. it's like the black widow somehow got stupid and trapped herself into her own web. but in reality, black widows don't make that mistake. only humans do, because their brains are too complex that they think they can make rational decisions by over analyzing and then they would do another thing. but maybe i am just that. i would think this, but do that instead.
that is my problem. i have lots of problem. and now, that i have chicken pox i actually had time to think over my actions, my thoughts and my feelings.
i don't know me.
theory: People who are starving for attention get themselves lost in translation. they get lost touch of who they are. they try to be liked by everyone and with this desperate need of being accepeted and being the center of everybody's attention, they do hillariously, pitiful, stupid things to get noticed. and more often than not, they exaggerate things. they put so much drama into their lives. and sometimes they do things that they are not really them.
in my pathetic revenge of rebelling, i somehow don't know if i am still me. in most cases my belief is parallel to that of my parents, but since i am so irritated with them i go against these beliefs. and now everything they say, i wanna do the opposite. Well, not really.
i don't know. i am totally not in the state to have a relationship, to have friends, to have a life right now. i need to figure out what I believe in. i somehow still know who i am. but i never get to really define myself in the beginning. my parents made me into who i am right now and it sucks that they don't fucking like who i am, when they are the fucking reason why i am like this.
fuck it. i don't want to charge my phone to run away from the world. and definitely not answer the freaking phone. but if it's my mother who's been calling me, i will be dead.
gawd. i wanna be dead. right now.
and maybe i don' t want to know who i am.
Labels: more of the mental state
@8:23 PM
february 4, 2007
sometime with the sun up
i have been awake since 630 to watch Grey's Anatomy. Grey's Anatomy which makes me cry. and hurt. and remember the pain. self inflicted pain. maybe i am a sadist. or a masochist. maybe i like running after things that would bring me pain, things that would hurt me, things that make me cry until i couldn't breathe anymore. maybe i like the drama that goes with my heartbreaks. and then after all the running and havoc making and tripping and stumbling and trying to get up and then falling again, i get tired. no not tired, exhausted. exhausted to the point that i don't want to live. to the point that i don't want to face the world anymore. to lock myself in a room with my books and dvds and never ever go out. and maybe i do have depressive disorder, but i am sane enough to diagnosis it myself.
i have major issues, major mental issues and i am trying to fix them myself. everytime.
i am tired. i am so fucking tired. i am tired of running to my friends and just get them irritated because of archaic problems the occur atleast once a month. and it's stupidly pathetic to look comfort from my parents and way mental from my brother. i am the only one with this kind of miserably pathetic life, and nobody can relate to me. and people finding out what i'm going through would be a mockery. i, who pretends to be fun, high, smart, able and completely okay is breaking down because of some petty little thing.
i don't want to leave the sanctity of my parent's room. only without them. just me alone.
Labels: asylum